Horoscope

THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

If you don't want to be the sacrificial goat, act like a MACHO MAN.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

Experience the phantom sensation of someone squeezing your hand suggestively.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

Bananas in pyjamas will tap your shoulder any second now.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

You will bump into your ex. They are doing a lot better than you are.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

A surprising number of penguins will dictate your week.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

There exists a pair of trousers that can fold itself into its own pocket in your future.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

The janitor's closet turns into an ice cream store every time it is locked from the outside.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

You don't know my life. I've been to dark places. The lights in my attic don't work.
THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

You will be your worst enemy. Steer clear of mirrors and any reflective surfaces altogether.