In a damning indictment of the faith in current politicians, the most random of people in a random country—and not here or anywhere close to here—have decided to seek party tickets.
Every bridge, wall, and electric pole is plastered with posters made using MS Paint 95, with prominent picture placement offered to superiors or whoever that can do you a favour you need, to do the favour that someone needs done.
“I know I can bring change. I love people, especially my fans. In fact, this foray into politics will definitely prevent me from becoming irrelevant like my music has become,” said a famous singer of the country which is not this one.
Like her, many others have also responded to the needs of a changing political scenario.
Cricketers, actors, shopkeepers, blasphemers and many others from all walks of life have decided to throw their hats into a pile of hats on top of a suffocating ring.
A chairperson of some silly ready-made garments company said, “Our local ear-cleaner is also running for a seat at the big, nice building. He has no background in politics but he says he can fix the country.
“I guess that makes sense, considering most of our ministers hold portfolios on things they do not have a background in. Did you know our ICT Minister thinks they can just block Skype and people won't just switch to some other form of communication?” he said, quite incredulously.
Contacted, the party chief of the Boisterous Legion of Development (shortened as BOLOD, totally out of respect) said they did not care about qualifications, as such.
“If you get an average of around 700 likes, 250 heart reacts on each Facebook post, then we know you can bring in the votes. Therefore, if you are a celebrity – that's great. Everyone knows celebrities can do no wrong.
“We are also not asking for much. The likes, plus ability to get, like, at least a 100 people for showdowns, ability to repeatedly say 'development' in every address, a solid criminal history, and filing useless cases on useless laws we pass are all we really need,” he added.
Some of the celebrity nomination-seekers have already begun to garner these likes, with candidates vying with each other for the punchiest rap of the week. One such seeker's hit song, or rather hit among idiots, song, “This Election, Very Important Election, So Be Careful” has gotten over 2,000 likes on Facebook.
“If we can create a successful may-may [meme] then we can win this election,” the brains behind the rap song said. “Hey, why are you writing down 'meem' when I clearly said 'may-may', don't be so uncultured, okay?” he added.
Another nomination-seeker, this time a celebrity chef, said he was just a dummy candidate. “I am not really running for anything. I am just here to make up the numbers pretending at popularity and then make some promises,” he said.
However, some leaders have derided the participation of such celebrities. “What will become of this country if they become leaders? Will we have concerts every day? Will they come to addresses and act?” a shaman asked, before doing a bad impression of actors. Very bad impression.
The election this year in this random country promises to be a good one. Or so we can hope because all the celebrities sure make us forget all about the violence to come.
Osama Rahman is subeditor, The Daily Star.