How Not to Act When You Are Being Held Accountable

Maybe you weren't a schoolyard bully with brass knuckles, but your more self-presumed innocuous actions like being mean and vicious under the veil of banter did leave scars. So if you're being confronted by your victim, here's a list of things you shouldn't resort to saying.

"I didn't do it."

Life isn't an episode of Gossip Girl or Dynasty. So, more often than you think, when someone says they are a victim of your bullying or "slut-shaming" (a very common form of bullying amongst teenagers), chances are it's not a big, fat conspiracy against you. Respect the victim's feelings by thinking of it as valid and consider the possibility that while your memory holds no recollection of it, it still happened. The only acceptable response should be for you to apologise.

Additionally, denying your wrongdoing by questioning the victim's memory is futile because science has proven that not only do people vividly remember being bullied, it also gives rise to serious problems like self-esteem issues, anxiety, and even depression. Unless your victim went through memory loss, your actions have been etched onto your victim's memory as well as who they are today.

"Why after so many years?"

The mere passage of time does nothing to undo your actions or the resulting inflicted damage. Your victim is in a more vulnerable position since it was on them to process all the negative experiences and emotions you caused. Thus, that person gets to decide when, where, or how to talk about the occurrence and not you. Whether your victim hasn't processed it yet or they just want a final thrust of closure after coming to terms with it, you are required to answer for your wrongs even if a decade has slipped by.

"You are causing me mental stress."

The reason you feel mentally stressed is due to your victim reminding you of your misdeeds, which you are responsible for in the first place. What you feel is a result of your own actions and not someone else's. If you feel guilty and shameful, that's because you should. Moreover, what you feel does not take away the right of your victim to seek closure or confrontation. Besides, your victim has definitely felt worse emotions and probably will continue to feel the same in the future, so sit back and enjoy having a taste of your own medicine for a while.

"But I have changed!"

And that's great! However, the absence of your bullying today does not undo any of your past actions. You were still a bully, regardless of whether you are one now, and you need to feel the guilt and shame of your previous actions. Hence, never ask your victim to exempt you from your past wrongs just because you think you have mended your ways now.

On a side note, if your initial response to being confronted is to deny, provide justifications, and gaslight your victim then you might want to revisit your glorious plans of having turned over to a new leaf.

The writer is a graduate of SFX Greenherald International School.