University student from apocalyptic city still concerned about CGPA

As Dhaka overcomes Lahore, Kabul and Delhi as the most polluted city in the world in terms of Air Quality Index, millions of its habitants celebrate with oxygen masks on, as the South Asian fixation with winning competitions kicks in. With the urban turmoil finally coming apart and a hole in the ozone layer above the city, engineering students in the capital are reportedly still worried about maintaining a CGPA greater than 3.5. 

"Yes, the world's probably going to end in the next few decades and it's all very sad," said Shadman Sakib, an undergraduate student at Plassey University of Engineering and Technology (PUET). "But I can't wait for the world to end and just let go of my grades! We already tried that in the pandemic once and look how that turned out. The pandemic era high school science students are so dumb that they make commerce students look good in front of judgemental parents," he says.

"Bangladesh in 2022 is like the American wild west – you've got a million different ways to die here and air pollution is probably the least painful way to go out," continued Shadman.

"Constant exposure to the air, toxins in the drinking water, food items resulting in cancer, a few heat strokes once in a while – these will come and go! But once your CGPA plummets, there's no coming back," he said.

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"My struggle to recover my CGPA using this rotten brain is like construction workers trying to pull up girders using under-equipped machinery," he kept going on, even though no one asked.

Hospitals in the capital are already overcrowded as hundreds of patients with respiratory issues are being admitted every day. However, the crisis is unlike anything Doctor WHO-Myra faced in the last few years, "Our wards are jam packed with morbid patients struggling to breathe. Most of them are university students since they're the ones who are most exposed to the worst kind gaseous compound in the world, the Dhaka air. With unprecedented levels of pollution, the only ones who will survive this apocalypse are likely to be the students of Gazipur University of Technology (GUT) who're used to breathing the toxic air of Tongi."

"Just last week, an engineering student from Bi-Directional University came in," continued Dr Who-Myra, "He's been unconscious this entire time, until last night when he finally responded. Surrounded by his family and friends, he opened his eyes for the first time in days. It was a medical miracle! With all his strength, he reached his hand out to his friend, gasped for air and said, 'Dude, can you send me the slides for Chapter 5? I need to revise.' His sobbing mother was lost for words and couldn't believe the dire consequences of the paranoia she'd engineered in his son over the years."

However, like every major crisis, Bangladeshi merchants have yet again found a way to capitalise on the recent surge of air pollution in the capital and its victims. Ei-Lon Mask, who became an overnight millionaire by selling masks worth BDT 5 at ten times the price during the peak of the pandemic said, "I'm already stocking all the oxygen cylinders in the country and when peak air pollution hits, I'll make sure I'm the first one to capitalise on the helplessness of its victims and make millions out of it."

Much like every other millionaire in the subcontinent.

Remind Ifti to be quieter at [email protected]