For those of us who own pets, the thought of what they might think of you has probably crossed your mind at least once. Are you being a good pet parent? If it's a cat or a dog, their saliva being sloshed across our faces the moment we get back home is a common greeting. Some of us are also greeted by incessant shouting/screeching in multiple frequencies in case it's a bird. But maybe they're actually complaining and you're just not paying attention. Maybe in petspeak, they are just complaining about your futile attempts to be their favourite humans.
What would it be like if they actually started talking? Let us assume for a moment that these bundles of joy (or grief) are fluent in a language we can understand. Here are just a few things they may be speaking to you about:
TOO MUCH PLAY TIME
“For the last time Susan, I AM TIRED. You're not the one who has been fetching that stick for the last hour,” Max yelled in perfect English, unable to contain his frustration. Susan, of course, couldn't believe her ears, or her eyes, for that matter. Awestruck, she involuntarily drops the stick and stares at Max, who at this point is completely disappointed and having lost all faith in his human, decided to leave her at the park and storm out of the area.
Oscar watches his owner slowly chop off his fabulous silky fur in a questionable attempt at grooming him. Carl had chosen not to take Oscar to the cat groomer in order to save himself the hassle. Oscar could sense Carl ruining his image one snip at a time and was trying his best not to lash out until he could hold it in no more.
“Carl, why does my fur look like someone ran a lawnmower through it?" said Oscar as he glared at his human.
Carl stopped in his tracks. Silence. A single drop of sweat trickled down his right cheek as he looked at his talking cat and just as he was just about to let out a squeal, Oscar leapt at him and scratched away at his face relentlessly.
"THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN ME TO A PET SALON, CARL!" Oscar shouted. Carl would speak and apologise but he was too busy trying to shield himself from Oscar's claws. Never again, Carl thought.
Karen tossed the fish bones at her cat, Tandoori, who has been trying to help her get a hang of his ever-changing preferences for a while now but seems to be failing miserably.
"Karen, the fish tail you gave me last night for dinner was the same fish tail I have been refusing to eat for two consecutive nights. Pay attention, woman!” Tandoori exclaimed, utterly frustrated.
While life would be a lot easier if this utopia were in fact the reality, it isn't unfortunately and it is your divine responsibility to understand and love your mini-me because you are all they have.
Afsara spends most of her time drawing Pepe in various color combinations while singing along to EDEN. Do not bother her at facebook.com/afsaraakhan