Sex Offender Registry is new cast of Ocean's Eleven
The Weinstein company announced today that the classic ensemble heist film, Ocean's Eleven, is being remade for the 14th time. While they are still searching for a spare Brad Pitt clone, some of the cast has been revealed. With the recent allegations of sexual assault against Harvey Weinstein now numbering at over 2 million (with a growth rate higher than Bangladesh's population), the Weinstein company has fallen on some financial difficulties of late. As a result, a film that is only really famous for being an insurance scam by placing 11 famous actors in a garbage movie has to be remade on a budget. However, a spokesperson from the Weinstein company has said that since the film would not have the same impact without an unnecessary amount of Hollywood A-listers, they've looked in the bargain bin for this one. The bargain bin just happens to be the Sex Offender Registry where many of your favourite actors and celebrities have recently been added. Some say it's like a badge of honour, like starring in a film by Woody Allen, who has been a sexual predator long before it became fashionable.
With Bernie Mac from the last remake being dead now (bless his soul), the role of likable funny man has been given to Louis CK, a comic who has perfected the art of being contagiously and hilariously pathetic and resembling the love child of a 50-year-old Ed Sheeran and greased pig.
The token black character will, of course, be going to comedy and rape “legend”, Bill Cosby. While he may be as senile as someone with Alzheimer's AND syphilitic madness, big things are expected of his return to show business. The script has made sure to not give him any actual speaking lines and to leave him as someone who, every three minutes, will do the signature Fat Albert laugh. Funnily enough, that was actually the first symptom of his madness but we were all too busy laughing to know.
Because for the last few years people have been crying out for greater diversity in Hollywood, George Takei has been added to the cast. Really regarded as a diversity goldmine being both gay and Asian, Takei had become a liberal sweetheart of the past few years with his wholesome memes and socially progressive social media presence. His PR firm really did a bang up job. However, recently he has seen himself fall out of favour with his base after it was revealed that he had actually raped a man in 1981. He's hoping this role will provide him a platform to reconnect with his base. Some say he should have pulled a Kevin Spacey, but unfortunately Takei has been openly gay for too long to use that as an excuse anymore.
For the titular role of Danny Ocean, Kevin Spacey is the frontrunner at the moment. Much like George Clooney, Spacey is a critically acclaimed actor who has created a refined persona to convince people he is not actually from a state that resembles a horrifying alternate timeline in which Murphy's Law governs the workings of the entire universe. Clooney is somehow from Kentucky, and the real mark of his caliber as an actor is that no one holds that against him anymore. Spacey was recently accused of assaulting a 14-year-old in the 80s, to which he said it is possible but only because he was a closeted gay. His coming out shocked absolutely no one. Spacey has since fallen into disgrace, seeing himself fired from long running fantasy epic House of Cards and replaced in various upcoming movies by actors you thought were dead.
Ben Affleck was also being considered for a role after being accused of unwanted groping by actress Hillarie Burton, but he is currently Batman so no one is taking this very seriously for fear that the army of DC Comics man-children will enact swift, outraged and nerdy retribution.
In addition, the director's role is also up in the air with a wide range of possible directors for the job, after it turned out that most of them are skeevy dirtbags. Contenders range from long-time pedophile Roman Polanski, Putin lapdog Oliver Stone and Brett Ratner, director of the 2nd best Rush Hour movie, the worst X-Men movie and an ungodly number of Mariah Carey music videos (no really, look at his IMDb page).
In addition, former SNL and current Senate funnyman, Al Franken is expected to cameo. Some thought Franken would have to resign from his post as Minnesota Senator, but then we all remembered that former president Bill Clinton and current president Donald Trump were also sexual assault all-stars.
To keep things under control, the Motion Picture Association of America has decreed that no women can be present at any point during the production of this film.
Bareesh Hasan Chowdhury is a recent Political Science graduate.