Fanpestered Divided ‘just not ready to play’

Fanpestered Divided head coach Amore.i.am has admitted what every Divided fan, pundit, and toddler in a Seer-heaven jersey has known for years: Fanpestered Divided are not remotely ready to play football.

"Something needs to change," Amore.i.am said after his team were heroically humiliated by muffin-fourth-tier Grim Reapers in the Cringe Cup.

"Like the coaching position, for example. I don't know, just saying."

The comments come also at a time when ex-Divided managers are being sacked at such a frequency that historians have already dubbed it "The Post-Fergie Black-eyed Plague."

Memewhile, 'Special Fun' Moaning-who has been shown the door at Fenadin after a Champions League qualification flop, while 'Middle Child' Soulshire was kindly escorted out of Basictask after falling in the Zoom Conference -- a competition Fanpestered Divided will soon be begging to get into.

This bloodbath has sent shivers down the spines of every Divided coach past and present. Evade Moist was last seen hiding under a desk at Neverton's training ground, while Nevercussin boss Trainwreck has reportedly applied for a coaching job in Fakirapool Club just to stay safe.

In related news, Sir Rolex is considering a sensational return to the dugout, citing boredom, unfinished business, and a lack of whisky-based shouting in his retirement home.

"I told them the club would collapse without me," Sir Rolex reportedly said, while polishing the old hairdryer he used to roast referees and that Seer-heaven wannabe, named Granny.

Divided fans, meanwhile, have started asking for his managerial comeback on Twitter -- less commonly known as X -- forgetting that Sir Rolex is 83 years old and may not survive a EPL VAR check.

Therapists of fans also need therapy; B'desh chapter weighs in

Fanpestered Divided fans worldwide are still reeling, with many now seeking professional help. Unfortunately, therapists treating Divided fans have themselves started booking appointments with other therapists, citing "secondary trauma" from hearing about Onerner and MacGyver's positioning on loop.

In Dhoka, the Fanpestered Divided Supporters' Club has launched a petition demanding that Divided sign defensive midfielder Hamja, along with B'desh's very own discarded goalkeeper Jico.

"At least then we'd have some incentive to watch this sinking ship," said one fan while printing banners that read: "Save Divided, sign Hamjico."

The petition has already gathered 3,000 signatures, plus a few extra forged by fans who mistakenly thought it was a campaign to bring Shakib Khan in the B'desh cricket team.

As things stand, Amore.i.am will take charge of Divided's weekend match, hoping to gather more points in the league table than a samosa, while the ones at the Theatre of Daydreams remain strong contenders for another documentary series on Netflix, if not on Chorkey.