12:00 AM, June 01, 2017 / LAST MODIFIED: 01:09 AM, June 01, 2017


The typical horror movie requires a large amount of skill from its actors in order to be a great movie. Everyone knows that there's no fun in being a diverse, multifaceted human being with multiple traits, characteristics, preferences, so on and so forth. However, being a completely shallow stereotypical character is no easy job, especially if you've got this magical, rare item called a 'brain'. Therefore, I'll be giving you top notch information on what is required for your role so you can practice accordingly.


This role is the most difficult to play. It requires you to be as good-looking and mind-numbingly stupid as possible for a human, while acting like a know-it-all. What makes this role even more daunting is that you must have an extremely active imagination. When the killer starts chasing after you, you need to be able to visualise invisible stones in your path that will cause you to trip for no reason. You should have the audience signing petitions for your death within half an hour into the movie or else you haven't played the role perfectly.

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Oh, and you need blond hair too, but that's not very important. There's more than one way for the Blonde to die.


Strong, tall, handsome, loud, obnoxious and a complete jerk, the Jock is basically Gaston but in a horror movie. The only thing you'll really have difficulty with (apart from getting ripped) is competing with the Blonde as to how stupid you can get. Being the hotshot, he'll do his absolute best to die violently because he went up to the killer without a plan.


This role is complicated because you need to have a high skill level in how fast you can become cannon fodder. You also need to find out a way to die and respawn during practice time. If you're worried about your skin colour though, don't worry; paint exists.


See, this guy? He's smart. He knows nothing's up. He knows there's no such thing as a demon. If you chant 'Blood Mary' in front of the mirror three times with a candle at hand, nothing will happen except you looking like a complete idiot. He will laugh at all the other characters or calm them down for panicking over what is obviously nothing. Simply put, you need to ignore my initial advice of abandoning all mental capabilities.

This is exactly why he's part of the cannon fodder and will end up dying immediately after the Black Guy. Remember: it's not a horror movie until all the characters are as dumb as bricks.


This can be the Blonde and the Jock together or two different characters. They're the reason the movie is rated R or PG 13. They'll disappear into some remote corner for some steam without telling anyone anything and then never come back because the killer is secretly some Bangladeshi aunty gone mad who will never accept the idea of a teenage boy and girl together and will kill them immediately after the Black Guy and the Sceptic.

Now, despite having mentioned this role, you can't audition for it no matter how hard you try, because we're all forever alone and have no way to practice.


These characters are often not a part of the victim group. The Expositioner is either an old dude or a paranoid dude or a scary-looking dude; simply put, it must be a dude. Apart from that, just practice sounding very paranoid and serious all the time while giving the characters information regarding the movie; that's literally the only reason you're even there, apart from throwing in a 'plot-twist' that you're not actually the killer because the killer killed you.


For the sake of convenience, we will assume the antagonist is a killer because:

a) If it were a ghost, you'd have to be dead.

b) If it were a monster, all you'd have to do is practice singing death metal.

c) Most importantly, I've been calling him a killer this whole article.

The killer is the only person other than the Sceptic and the main character who is allowed to retain any of their mental capabilities since he must 'outsmart' everyone except the protagonist. Practice walking in slow-motion and enrol in Hogwarts so you can learn how to Apparate. Remember: you aren't a typical horror movie killer until you can instantly appear in faraway places with no explanation.


He/she is the only surviving character because they act like a normal person would in a typical horror movie and NOT go investigate that one creepy noise the antagonist probably made by accident because he/she must have been cramping up from hiding for hours. To practice this role, do what your parents always tell you to do: study 24/7, don't do drugs, no 'itish-pitish', and have your vegetables.


Rasheed Khan is a hug monster making good music but terrible puns and jokes where he's probably the only one laughing. Ask him how to pronounce his name at aarcvard@gmail.com

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