It was just another day of procrastinating. I was listening to music on shuffle, when suddenly a jolt of electricity went through me with enough voltage to raise a corpse from the dead. The classic breakup song "I'm So Lonely Broken Angel" had come on. It always reminded me of my ex, so I broke down in tears. But when the song was over, I came to my senses. I've never had a boyfriend in my life, let alone exes!
Other breakup songs have elicited similar reactions from me in the past, but why? Since Valentine's Day is coming up, I put on my journalist hat to find some answers. I conducted a mass survey where people from all over the universe (alternates included) shared why they like breakup songs, if they do at all.
This investigation provided me with some interesting insights. Firstly, I noticed that a perfect 100 percent of all the participants enjoyed listening to breakup songs. Secondly, my hypothesis was that the participants would be predominantly teenagers and twenty-somethings, because these age groups tend to suffer from love's pitfalls the most.
I was surprised to find out that about 35 percent of all participants were above the age of forty. Do old flames burn stronger as you age? "Who said the flames have to be old, or that they have to burn?" smirks Lovely Khatun, a veteran matchmaker from Narayanganj, who recently found a match for herself. "My ex-husband doesn't deserve to be called an old flame, because I doused his memories in cold water as soon as I left him. I'm now more interested in my new flame, who doesn't burn but gives me warmth. Now," she flips through the folder of bio-data before her, "Would you like a flame in your life, sweetie?"
While 55 percent of the responses came from my expected age groups, the remaining 10 percent claimed to be below twelve. Not to sound like a boomer, but don't these elementary school kids have something better to do than cry to Lana Del Rey, like playing video games, maybe? "None of your business, zoomer," says Poltu, a third-grader from Brahmanbaria, rolling his eyes. "By the way, I noticed your pun. 'Video Games' is Queen Lana's best song, hands down."
Lastly, my findings included the reasons why people gravitate towards breakup songs. I assumed it was in order to fuel the pain a failed relationship leaves in its wake. Astonishingly, only 25 percent of all participants cited breakups as the reason, while a whopping 60 percent claimed to have been lifelong singles. The remaining 15 percent said they were in a relationship, but I think they were secretly pining over an ex and didn't want their current significant others to know.
"Look, I have a miserable life," sighs Ananda Sarkar Pulok, a software engineer from Uttara, "I have a thankless job, a boss who gives me hell, a non-existent love life, and parents who have given up on me. My only solace in this purgatory are breakup songs. If you hear 'Bukta Faitta Jay' from my room on Fridays, just let me be." I have to say, he has an ironic name.
Well, this was quite a journey. I would've liked to say that I learned something, but I have a sudden urge to crank up "Tumi Keno Bojhona".
Adhora Ahmed listens to too much "sad white boy" songs. Recommend her better music at firstname.lastname@example.org