Humans have a strange obsession with the classification of pretty much everything. While I'm more of a cat than a human, I still categorise stuff from time to time. So here are some common types of texters.
The Literary Master: Only reads the highest quality literature. Their vocabulary is vast and so on-fleek that they know only noobs would use the phrase “on-fleek”. Punctuations are their best friends. It's no surprise that texting them is “mildly” uncomfortable. Yes, I'm aware I'm not using full-stops, please stop reminding me every sentence.
The Living Shorthand: Then, on the opposite end, we have this guy, especially prominent in Bangladesh. “Hlo, hw r u 2dey, br0? Y35, um comin 2 $ko0l 2day.”
The Banglish Speaker: Has difficulty differentiating between the word “bhai” and an American guitarist, composer, singer, songwriter, and producer born on June 6, 1960. Offer these fellow vais of yours your prayers and instructions on how to accurately type Bengali phonetics in English.
The Turtle: Could be using all five fingers and you could still complete a Euro-Tour before they finish two sentences. Remember: slow and steady doesn't always win the race. Git gud, buddy.
The Rabbit: On the opposite side of the spectrum and is the Usain Bolt of texters. When you see that text bubble for more than 5 seconds, prepare yourself, a cascade of words is coming. Oh, and plot-twist: they were only using one finger.
The Grammar Nazi: This guy doesn't fall in place with the Literary Master because the latter is beyond us; this person isn't. While genuinely helpful on the night before your English test, this texter will mostly be doing annoying things like reminding you that “grammar” is spelled with an “a”.
Halley's Comet: Halley's Comet is a short-period comet visible from Earth every 74–79 years. If you're wondering what this has to do with texting, remember that one person who starts a conversation and then replies back weeks later? If you're this person, fix these serious commitment issues, please.
The One-Text Wonder: No one is colder or crueller than the One-Text Wonder. Sorry to sound like an overemotional S.O. but, how could you just reply to all the stuff I texted with a lol/lmao/k? Don't you have a heart? Don't you love me? Do you even know me?
The Human Doggo: You know those giant, adorable fluffy dogs that lose go crazy with excitement when you come back after a long day of work? You probably taught it to “sit” but it's just too busy barking for your attention, bowling you over and slobbering all over you. Well, this person is kind of like that except they (hopefully) won't be slobbering all over you. They won't text you and then stop; they'll text you once, twice,thrice, and the texting ACTUALLY PICKS UP SPEED. By the time you come back, the conversation looks so one-sided, you actually start feeling a little guilty. Yes, you're the good boy, please stop tugging my heartstrings.
The Emoji/Emoticon/GIF/Sticker Lord: We all have used at LEAST emojis or emoticons, if not GIFs and stickers, at some point in our texting lives. It's truly a unique characteristic that no other form of communication has. But these people have made it into an art form. After all, what could a dancing lady in a red dress followed by the flag of Canada mean? Only true artists will know.
That isn't the end of it, though. Following closely behind is the GIF Lord. They will – heavy emphasis on “will” – have a GIF ready for every single situation. Not going to lie, this one is actually impressive.
Finally, we have the Sticker Lord who is basic.
The Seenzoner: I'm tempted to leave this part blank; just like their chatbox.
The Caller: “Is it too late now to say 'don't call me'?” Pal, we're texting for a reason instead of talking over the phone.
The Normal One: The summation of parts of all the aforementioned texters, this person is boring in texter-terms, to be honest, but second easiest to communicate with.
The Closure: You want an example of a truly good human being? You're looking for The Closure. This person replies back fast, doesn't end the sentence with a full-stop, doesn't leave you on seen, doesn't reply with one text, doesn't communicate in inaccurate phonetics, shorthand, or overly complex GIFs or stickers or emojis and is basically Scotland's National Animal: they probably don't exist.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I shall return to being a social hermit and contemplate whether I, and therefore this article, exist or not because I'm actually the Closure.
Rasheed Khan is a hug monster making good music but terrible puns and jokes where he's probably the only one laughing. Ask him how to pronounce his name at email@example.com