This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Irk the child, it shall cry. Irk the man, its heart shall wail.



TAURUS

"Tomorrow's news today" is a great tagline for your fake news website.



GEMINI

D'artagnan is a name I'm not sure you can pronounce.



CANCER

Orbiting me are you, the circle, while I am the point in the middle.



LEO

Ether is real if you're a chemist, but it's ethereal if you're a physicist.



VIRGO

Seen walking by the pool, was a man wanting to be a fish.



LIBRA

Never have I ever believed in star signs and horoscopes.



SCORPIO

The Timurid Empire, at its height, was only as tall as its tallest person.



SAGITTARIUS

Grasslands and deserts, tundras and hills, today the world is uneven.



CAPRICORN

Rafael Nadal's biceps, rhombuses are nice shapes.



AQUARIUS

Opposite day is every day for people living in opposite world.



PISCES

What did you think they were going to say? It's not that.