Ask the SHOUT Troll
Dear Shout Troll,
My moustache lacks the girth to qualify as manly. I'm short on time so how should I improve my moustache quickly so that women will hang from them like drapes. Please, this is urgent as I need to make my girlfriend regret leaving me for a full-faced guy.
-- Moustacheless Menace
Hola M&M,
The reason you lost her is the same reason you cannot grow manly facial hair: you are no man. Have you chopped wood with just your bare hands holding an axe? Have you hunted lions wearing nothing but your underwear while aiming down the rifle sight? You must embrace the primeval urges of what makes us men. Answer me, Furless Fledgling, have you ever hunted?
Dear Shout Troll,
It's been three months since I flushed my pet goldfish down the toilet. She wasn't dead, my cousin told me that if I flushed my goldfish, she'd turn into a goldfish mutant and come back ten years later as my protector. Is there any way I can contact my goldfish?
-- FishFish the Fish Whisperer
My friend,
You must remember that goldfish have a memory span of only three seconds. Even if your goldfish is a mutant in the sewers, the last thing it remembers as a goldfish is the memory of you flushing it down the toilet. Although you cannot contact it again, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes if I fell down a manhole.
Dear Shout Troll,
I am tired of living at my house. Sometimes I want to sneak into other people's houses at night and just go to sleep under their dining tables. But unfortunately I also have a debilitating fear of dogs. How do I make sure I don't get chased by dogs when I trespass?
-- CatLoverx666
Dear Dog-hater,
Have you ever wondered why dogs chase in the first place? Did you ever try looking at the mirror from the perspective of a dog? You should try it sometime. If you find yourself attractive, I would suggest you do something to make yourself look less like Nicky Minaj; if you find yourself rather ugly, I think it's because the dogs cannot identify you as any species walking the Earth. Dogs don't like aliens. Go back to your home planet.
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