The minister of blame

US citizen Rebiyer Kadeer started the recent street-fight in China's Xinjiang province, despite the fact that she was on the other side of the world, fast asleep.
The Dalai Lama threw the first stone in Tibet 18 months ago despite the fact that he was cutting his toenails in a bath in India, oblivious to anything but his bunions.
And Falun Gong founder Li Hongzhi is behind every action done by his followers, despite the fact that there have been fewer sightings of him than Elvis.
The writers of editorials in government newspapers in mainland China should really get the Man Booker Prize for Fiction. But other people play shift-the-blame too. In Sri Lanka earlier this year, Tamil Tigers shot at escaping hostages and issued daily news releases blaming the people trying to free them.
I once got a press release from an undergarment company blaming global warming for its failure to meet its bra sales targets. Fortunately, we, the public are intelligent enough to make up our own minds about important things.
No, wait, what am I saying? We, the public are so stupid we think Miley Cyrus makes music.
All governments like to spin the news their way, but the prize for imaginative blame-attribution must jointly shared by the People's Daily and the Central Propaganda Department in Beijing. If there was an Olympic prize for the furthest distance blame can be shifted, they'd win the gold.
What are these folk like at home? Here's how I imagine the scene.
It's 6.30 pm. The Minister of Blame comes in.
His wife barks angrily at him: "You left your dirty socks on the floor. I told you to put them in the laundry bin."
He retorts: "It's not my fault. It was the Americans."
His wife puts her fists on her hips. "The Americans are in America. Your socks are on the floor by your bed. How can it be their fault?"
He sighs in a condescending manner to express his amazement at the depth of her naivety before explaining: "America has sent secret agitators to China. The Dalai Lama personally broke into our home to disarray our laundry basket."
But tonight his wife is not taking any bull: "First, the Dalai Lama is not American, and second, where's your evidence?"
The Minister, skilled in these matters, responds calmly: "All non-members of the Party are American lackeys by default. And I cannot reveal my evidence because it's a state secret."
Wisely, she changes the subject. "I hope you remembered to pick up some rice on the way home like I asked you to."
The Minister looks momentarily stricken, but quickly recovers himself. "No, but it's not my fault. I could get no rice, thanks to the British."
She awaits an explanation with a this-better-be-good expression on her face.
Fortunately for him, it is good. "Er, the British halted rice distribution to distract me from the fact that they are backing Rebiyer Kadeer's riots in Urumqi."
His wife is puzzled. "But everyone in that fight was of Han or Uyghur race."
The Minister confides: "Ms Kadeer's main supporter is Britain's Queen Elizabeth, who has 100% Uyghur blood."
He goes into the bedroom. "Hey, whose socks are these? Have you had a visitor in here?"
His wife smiles. "It's a state secret," she says.

For more on how to blame others visit our columnist at www.vittachi.com