Anger management: The good, the bad, the ugly
You have probably heard the joke: "I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out." Certainly, it seems like there are more brawls than ever at sporting events these days, that nearly everyone has been subjected to road rage, and that you may have to tiptoe around co-workers who seem constantly on edge. But it is not anger itself that is a problem — it is how you handle it.
Here, are some insights into the nature of anger, when it can be helpful, how to manage it, and what to do when you are confronted by someone whose anger is out of control.
What is anger?
Anger is a feeling of displeasure or hostility. It is a normal, healthy emotion, just like any other feeling you have.
So it is not 'bad' to feel angry?
No, being angry is not a bad or negative thing. Being angry can motivate people to listen to your concerns. It can prevent others from walking all over you. And it can motivate people to change larger societal issues. It is anger management that can be a problem.
What are common methods of handling anger, and which is the healthiest?
There are two basic ways to handle anger:
* Expression. This is conveying your anger. Expression occurs along a continuum, from having a reasonable, rational discussion to erupting into out-of-control violence.
* Suppression. This is trying to hold in or ignore your anger. You may think you should not be angry or that you will lose control if you let yourself feel any anger.
The danger in this passive approach is that you may not protect yourself when the need arises. You may also become passive-aggressive, where you do not express your anger assertively or directly but scheme to retaliate because you have not learned how to express anger constructively.
Trying to suppress your anger can lead to such health problems as headaches, stress, depression or high blood pressure.
Expressing yourself in an assertive — not an aggressive — manner is the healthiest approach to handling anger. Being assertive means that you state your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to exert power over them.
How can you stop your anger from turning into a violent outburst?
Out-of-control anger is a learned behavior, so you have to unlearn it. Consider, for instance, someone who was in the military and basically taught to kill. Then he leaves the military, but with every confrontation or challenge, he goes back into that military mode and responds aggressively — not assertively, but with aggression or hostility. He has to realise that no one is trying to fight with him, and that his reaction is out of proportion to the situation.
Some anger management techniques he can practice include:
* Self-talk to remind himself he is not in the military anymore and to keep himself aware of his reactions
* Walking away from the situation until he calms down
* Remembering to treat other people like he would want to be treated
* Agreeing to disagree, and leaving it at that
Can anger harm your health?
There is some evidence that inappropriately expressing anger can be harmful. Whether you are overly passive and keep your anger pent up, whether you are prone to violent outbursts or whether you are quietly seething with rage, you may have headaches, sleep difficulties, high blood pressure or digestive problems.
There is even some evidence that stress and hostility related to anger can lead to heart attacks. That is another reason it is important to learn how to express anger constructively and appropriately — it is good for your health.
What can you do if you are confronted by someone whose anger is out of control?
Usually the most rational thing to do, if possible, is to just walk away. If you stay, the situation may escalate into violence.
It is important to take reasonable precautions to protect yourself if leaving the situation is difficult or impossible, and to not engage the other person in a manner that is likely to provoke an escalation in their angry behavior.
That is not to say you should never confront someone. If someone is doing something you do not want them to do, and you confront them about it, you now have a conflict. You have to know how you are going to handle that conflict, though. Size up the person you are confronting, and be ready to protect yourself, especially if it is a stranger.
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