Former religious, genocidal party forms new non-religious, genocidal party | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, May 10, 2019 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, May 10, 2019


Former religious, genocidal party forms new non-religious, genocidal party

Rudolph Shitler and Joseph Phony yesterday shocked the world by joining hands in what has been dubbed by the media an “unholy union”.  The press conference was held in a rundown hotel, with their union framed by the worst-looking digital poster in the history of the universe.

Shitler, who is considered to be a “hardliner”—to put it mildly—and Phony, once considered to be a terrorist, announced the “unholy union” amid much backlash.

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“We need to stop absolving people of their sins just because they formed a new party. A political party is not a separate legal entity and we need to own up to that,” Abbas Khaledi, a social commentator, whatever that is, said in an impromptu reaction.

Shitler, speaking to this correspondent after the conference, said the political initiative would help build what they said was a new Kamladesh based on the spirit of the Dependence War.

The dependence war was waged between plebeians and rulers, with the latter demanding that they be subservient to rulers in the future. The rulers at the time refused to take responsibility for such “rubbish people” and wanted to chill out.

Although the plebeians eventually won the war, the forefathers of Shitler and Phony had unleashed brutality on them, massacring thousands, millions or billions, depending on who you ask.

Till even last year, both Phony and Shitler believed that plebeians should be left to die instead of being given all this charity like roads and clean water using the tax money they themselves paid. 

Now, however, the tables have turned.

“We have completely changed our minds. We apologise for what our forefathers did. And yes, while even last year, I was ordering hits on people with different skin colours and who worshipped different deities, I totally feel differently now,” Shitler said.

“I had a dream last night and I must follow my dreams which are not subconscious things but rather messages from God.”

Phony, who only last year, began a war of words with Shitler, over when Jupiter was first sighted this year, whatever the hell that means, buried the hatchet, saying sometimes Jupiter can be seen at different times depending on location.

When Phony was asked if he still maintained connections with the Actual Jupiter-Sighting Conference and the previously just-banned party, he said that was not the case at all.

“This is a totally independent initiative. We have no connection with any political party. Yes, literally all our members are former members of the bad parties, but that hardly means there’s a connection,” Phony said, adding that people can change. 

Citing their former party’s controversial role in the dependence war, Phony said their former party had ignored calls to offer apologies on many occasions in the past.

“Everyone knows that everything is forgiven if we just apologise. But whatever. Do not consider this a rebranding project of a failed brand. This is a totally brand-new thing,” Shitler said last night.

The new party has been sponsored by Al-Hilali Perfumes—a very religious  brand—because why the hell not. But the connection to religion ends there. That and of course all the hardliners who make up the new party. But that’s a different story for a different day. 

The two then took oath for some reason. Because if a politician promises to abide by the laws, history tells us that they will always do so.

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