MIGHT AS WELL BE A HAMSTER

Has your boyfriend been acting weird lately? Is he not going through your paleo diet with the same chirpiness as you are? Hasn't he yet started watching the new season of GoT? Well, chances are he is possessed by an evil spirit. It is your duty now to cure him. Here's a step by step guide on how to do that:

Take him to a kobiraj. You know, those dudes who don't shave and shower. This is, however, easier said than done. You need to compare which kobiraj gives you the best offer, i.e. whose paani-pora is the cheapest yet most effective or, how many free colourful magical strings would you get per appointment or, exactly what benefits would you get if you sign up as a murid. Things like that. You can compare the leaflets that get thrown on your lap while you're on the bus and choose the one that suits you best. 

It is imperative that your boyfriend follows whatever the kobiraj says. Let me tell you a true story. A kobiraj once told my pregnant aunt to picture his face as much as she can if she wants to have a healthy baby. So don't be surprised if your kobiraj makes your guy picture him all the time. Don't get crazy mad like my uncle did. The kobiraj is just doing his job. Let him. 

Picturing the kobiraj's face not working for him? Try communicating with the evil spirit. Get one of those free apps that let you interact with demons. Remember, everything your boyfriend says isn't actually his own words. It's the demon making him say it. He says he wants to break up? It's the demon talking. He wants you to stop incessantly calling and messaging him? It's the demon. He threatens to get a restraining order? Totally the demon. Never listen to him. Only when your boyfriend is praising your new hairdo is when he is his usual self. I bet that happens a lot.  

When diplomacy with the evil spirit is fruitless, it's time you bring out the big guns. Exorcism. I know all about this because I had witnessed one such exorcism firsthand. My cousin was supposedly once possessed by a djinn from Noakhali. Exactly how we know the djinn was from Noakhali is beyond me. My family just assumed he was. So my grandmother hired a local exorcist to get rid of the djinn. He came by the house, made my aunts hold my cousin tightly lest she run away, and made me pour rosewater over her while he chanted gibberish. My cousin was clearly bored. Nonetheless it 'worked'. Everyone thought the djinn left her. Do something like that. The exorcists we have here are relatively cheap and come with their own rosewater and other needed materials. 

Now you know what to do. Be a good girlfriend and go help him.