HOW TO CUT SOMEONE OFF …for good

In a world where time is money, the act of cutting people off can be a seemingly lengthy process. As per convention, such an act involves sitting a person down and having “the talk”, either up front or virtually. Whether it's a platonic or a romantic relationship, the process can involve prolonged arguments, back-to-back accusations, lots of explanations, and useless conversations over the internet – all of which can consume precious time out of our lives. 

What's more intriguing is that, disappearing on someone without any explanation is not a new concept. Only now, the internet has a new term for it: “ghosting”, the act of ceasing all communication with a person because you can't bear the sight of them anymore. Although it's not an easy thing to do, here are a set of rules you can follow to effectively “ghost”, or disappear on someone.

BLOCK THEM ON SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS

Start with Messenger, the ultimate platform of reaching you on the internet. There's a new option where you can block someone on Messenger only and that way, you can still stalk the other person's timeline on Facebook. If that doesn't work out and you want more secrecy, block them on Facebook as well, open a new account with the name “Pothchola'r Ochena Pothik” and add them up to satiate your stalking needs. I assure you, with an irresistible name like that, they are bound to accept your request. Gradually, block them on other social platforms you were connected on.

AVOID HANGOUTS WITH MUTUAL FRIENDS

In a (small) city like Dhaka, you ought to have mutual friends with whomever you want to disappear on. To make the act of disappearing more convincing, skip hangouts where he/she might have even the littlest possibility of showing up; even better, cut off your mutual friends too. That way, you won't have to deal with any of the unnecessary interactions that might arise. But if you must attend such hangouts, get Harry's invisibility cloak and don't take it off until the end of time.

PLAY THE BLAME GAME ON FACEBOOK

This one is extremely important if you do not want to lose your hard earned social currency. Sad but true, cutting people off isn't something the society approves of. So, you'd definitely not want to be labelled as the person who ghosted their friend/partner. To make people think that it is the other person who cut you off, share “You Left Me” posts on Facebook publicly. There are lots of pages on Facebook that have such miserable quotes written on a blurry Tumblr picture. Share them every day and make yourself look miserable.

PRETEND TO BE DEAD

One of the most effective ways to disappear is to pretend to be dead. Make newspapers publish your obituary so the person stops looking for you. Remember to always use a fabulous headshot because after all, a lot of people are going to see your face first thing in the morning as soon as they open the newspaper. 

MOVE TO MARS

This one is your last resort. If the person knows your home address, they are going to find you not long after you start ceasing communication with them. You can't leave the country or even the city because that's too expensive. So, instead, move to Mars. There's a spaceship that leaves every morning at 3 from Sadarghat. With your meagre pocket money, buy a ticket, get on the spaceship and never come back. There are delicious mud burgers you can survive on over there. The only drawback is, you might have to befriend a few aliens and you can't really alienate aliens once you're friends with them. 

The rules are pretty simple, you just have to follow them by order and one of them will surely work out. It can get hard at times since our city is small and it's not too difficult for anyone to find you. For that, the Mars option is always open. Eventually, you can start telling people that the other person is delusional and you never actually were friends/partners with them. At one point, you might have the urge to stop being an a-hole and to give the person some closure instead of just disappearing on them. Stay strong and don't give in to such meaningless urges. 

Always remember, to savage is human.

Mashiat Lamisa is often seen frowning at the sight of people who dislike poetry and tomatoes. She can be reached at [email protected]