This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Cellphones are meant for calling, not for playing Sims.



TAURUS

On the third day of this week, you will meet a pigeon. Feed it energy biscuits, not butter bun.



GEMINI

Over the traffic and far away, there lies a huge fortune of 40,000 Pokemon cards.



CANCER

Kylian Mbappe is younger than you, so it's time you start doing something productive with your life.



LEO

Inverness is beautiful. You will either get to visit it this week or never.



VIRGO

Never tickle a sleeping dragon.



LIBRA

Green grass will be dangerous for you this week.



SCORPIO

Many goals would have been scored by Ronaldo if only you had remembered to change your pillow cover.



SAGITTARIUS

Otters are usually cute, but you might meet a scary one this week if you go near the water.



CAPRICORN

Marie biscuits are terrible. If you like them you should immediately switch to chanachur or bad luck will befall you.



AQUARIUS

Monty Python is disappointed in you.



PISCES

Yen prices may rise this week.