President of the United States of America Donald Justin Trump is set to win the Nobel Prize for Piece and Peace – also dubbed the Oxymoron Prize in some circles -- for brokering a peace deal between two nations who weren't even at war with each other, and laying the pieces for the eventual peace.
Trump's nomination comes as the award -- once prestigious but now considered nothing more than a "Here, the West likes you" badge -- tries to reclaim its former glory days but courting more popular and controversial options as opposed to deserving ones.
While Trump's nomination has raised some eyebrows, these same eyebrows belong to eyes which did not bat a lid after former US president Barack Obama got the award following one of the most expansive drone-bombing campaigns.
"We are misunderstanding peace. Peace prize isn't for those who are making peace, but are laying the pieces for peace," Bjorg, clearly a Norwegian, said. Bjorg was the one who had nominated Trump, before earlier having nominated Obama.
"Obama's indiscriminate drone attacks actually led to terrorists dying. So, if you do the math right, less terrorists means more peace," he said.
A Nobel prize committee member, under the condition of anonymity, said that while there could be criticism for nominating Trump, the facts spoke for themselves.
"Donald Trump has played a key role in...creating new dynamics in other protracted conflicts, conflicts, such as the Kashmir border issue between India and Pakistan. Look at it now. The Kashmir problem has reached its final resolution," he said, choosing very wrong words.
"Now the war between UAE and Israel, which we had no idea was ongoing, has also ended. All thanks to Trump. And can we even discuss North Korea?" he asked. "Where there were once threats of nuclear annihilation, there are now love letters."
Another committee member, who wished to be named but we didn't really want to, expounded on the newly added "piece" bit to the prize's name.
"Just as he has laid the pieces for the border wall between US and Mexico, he is laying pieces for eventual peace, if only after war and death," the member said. "Look how he is discouraging people to wear masks amid a pandemic, how he is advocating for reduced testing."
Then the member leant closer to whisper: "And look what he is saying about race protests. Long-term peace can only be achieved with fewer people, and people who look similar."
As he leant closer, his moustache came into view – there was just a bit under his nose.
A Washington insider, meanwhile, said the piece part of the title had nothing to do with Trump being a piece of work or him always wearing a piece on top.