The disappearing mustaches mystery

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Quick. To the bathroom. Grab the razor. The financial crisis is wreaking carnage among a whole new group of victims: mustaches. They are being slashed off faces as bankers make a desperate bid to look less creepy. Having halved most people's retirement funds, moneymen are using every means possible to rebuild their images.
What am I talking about? It's a known fact that all men with moustaches are serial killers. Walt Disney? Santa Claus? But okay, I take your point, there may be some who have not killed anyone. Yet. And even if there's no proof they've committed mass murder, it's generally accepted that men with mustaches are perceived more negatively than clean shaven men.
The recent rash of mustache-shedding reached its peak a few days ago when Bill Gross, who is the world's largest bond dealer, was asked by reporters to give his views on the financial crisis. When they met in New York, the journalists all asked the same thing: "What happened to your mustache?"
Gross replied: "My mother always said there was something shady about a man with hair on his lip."
Incidentally, the mustached-men-are-serial-killers principle does not apply to gay people. Gay people with mustaches are considered "fashion victims" (far worse than being a mass murderer).
Anyway, this news is particularly bad for Celebrity Land, where thick upper-lip hair is the new fashion (mostly for guys). It started a few weeks ago when Brad Pitt grew one. Then James Franco's mustache hair in the film "Milk" caused such excitement it narrowly missed getting the Oscar for best supporting role.
Mustaches have an even more powerful psychological effect in Asia. It is a given that criminals in India deliberately grow large, threatening ones to intimidate victims with. Bandit gangs in Madhya Pradesh have long known that the sight of a massive walrus growth with mutton-chop side-whiskers terrifies people into handing over all their worldly goods, plus daughters, house deeds and so on.
But Indian police have fought back, launching Moustache Wars. In India, budgets have been set aside to enable the development of an elite group of officers brandishing acres of hair on their upper lips. I am not making this up.
"Thick moustaches have been traditionally associated with bandits dwarfing their victims psychologically," a senior officer told the Indian Express when the program started. "This warfare will be employed against criminals here."
A 50-strong patrol of elite officers has been touring criminal blackspots in Morena city on motorcycles, openly displaying massive moustaches to strike terror in the hearts of all who see them. This trend started about five years ago, and many rank-and-file cops in India now groom their mustaches so they can join the hairy-faced elite.
In some Indian states, officers receive a cash allowance for the upkeep of their growths. (I'm not sure what they spend it on. Plant food?) It's good to see Asia trying out innovative crime-fighting techniques.
But anyway, if you have a big mustache and you are not a criminal, not an Indian police officer, or not male, take my advice.
Become a serial killer now, and get it over with.

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