7 Habits by Stephen Cow-vey
IN order to ensure only adult cows are slaughtered during Eid, cows are adulterated with steroids. And so, right after the Eid prayers, the proud owner of the biggest cow (wonder what the large size is to compensate for…) gets ready with his platoon of butchers.
The cow (bull?) doesn't give up without a massive fight. And this quadruped is no Danny Devito, but rather, a full-fledged Hulk Hogan. It eventually gives in and falls to the ground. And it so happens that the champion, with its last defiant maneuver in retaliation, decides to fall smack in front of my gate. What the platoon doesn't realise is that once the gigantic cow is on the ground, it stays put till it is dismembered, unless they all want to end up with hernia.
For the next three hours, cars are blocked from entering or leaving our house.
After three painful hours, the driveway takes the form of a regular butcher shop. May we now resume normal traffic?
Not so fast. The owner, suspecting pilferage, starts yelling at the exhausted butchers. Dude, if they steal, they steal. No big deal. Isn't the meat mainly for the poor anyway? And what will you do if you find someone guilty, chop off a sina? Aren't we already stuffed with beef, Eid Mubarak SMSs and (paid) congratulatory announcements in newspapers on attaining the CIP (2012) status?
But no. He orders the whole cow to be reconstructed. You heard me right -- jigsaw puzzle time. Thank Heavens there are no slaughtered goats nearby. Otherwise, in the rush of reverse engineering, we may have seen an interesting hybrid…
Qurbani Eid. It is also the time to gauge our civic sense. It's not how many Polish are needed to install a light bulb, but what is the minimum number of us needed to mess up an otherwise clean public place.
I don't hold my breath…
But we are smart. The sacrificial cow is milked till the end. Introducing the cowfie contest. Not sure if a cowfie taken with a steroid injected cow counts. But at least Oxford English Dictionary gets a few new candidates to join its ranks. A selfie with ice cream before it gets eaten up is koolfie, a selfie with Elvis Presley sideburns before the draft is julfie. Who knows, the popular TV show may get a new sponsor and is renamed Cowfie with Karan. And ISIS -- don't start getting ideas…
Wonder how the cowfie taker felt on the second day of Eid knowing that the main attraction in the selfie is, well, no more…Missing it? Good, that is the spirit of sacrifice. Just don't look at it while enjoying your beef bhuna. As for me, if I had horns and I was on death row and people were scrambling to take selfies with me, you'd see a scene from Spain's Encierro (Running of the Bulls) or a Texan Rodeo.
But I am a black and white engineer. What do I know about bleeding (no pun intended) edge marketing involving cowfies or billboards with glum models posing in knee deep water or a radio ad of a husky female voice moaning to crescendo with the tune of Sexual Healing in the background only to denote an impending sneeze (wonder what awkward moment a female finds herself in while riding solo in a car with the radio playing this ad and the driver driving…). Maybe it is Hara-kiri Marketing -- eventually crash landing with a qulfie (selfie at its own qul khani).
I don't think I have moo-ch to say…
The writer is an engineer & CEO turned comedian (by choice), the host of NTV's The Naveed Mahbub Show and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club.
E-mail: [email protected]
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