Taking a step back!

In ancient Roman mythology, Janus, the god of beginnings and transitions, is portrayed with two faces: one looking toward the future and the other at the past. It is conventionally believed that the month of January, which marks the change of the old order to the new, is named after Janus. As the countdown for 2015 begins, many of us are looking ahead with anticipation about how the new year will unfold. At the same time, like Janus, we cannot help but look back at the past year. This is bound to evoke mixed emotions -- laughter, joy, tears and regrets. While regrets are difficult to deal with, sometimes they help us make smoother transitions into the future.
As I reflect on the past year and celebrate the many joyous events, there are a few that fill me with remorse. Unfortunately, there is no way I can travel back in time and rectify my actions. However, it's worth making a mental note of these inglorious moments. I may not be able to repair the hurt I caused, but I can try and improve my human qualities --even if marginally.
On top of my list of “regrets” is my callous behaviour toward an old couple who were in front of me in the checkout line at our neighbourhood grocery store in McLean, Virginia. As the man counted the small change with his fumbling fingers, I let out a sigh of exasperation at his frustratingly slow actions. He glanced at me with tired, doleful eyes. Immediately, I was filled with remorse. What if he was living on social welfare? What if he had just received a bad medical report and knew that this may be the last year he and his wife would be buying groceries together to cook a holiday meal? At least I could have offered to help with the heavy shopping bags.  
Then there was the occasion I yelled at the driver who had parked his car in an awkward position, blocking the midday Gulshan traffic. When he looked at me, his emaciated face and sunken eyes shook me. What if he had been working long shifts or had a sick child waiting for him at home? I could have been gentler and more patient.
Also the young man who tried to cut the line at the bank -- did I have to give him a dressing-down about civic responsibility? What if he was anxious to withdraw cash to clear his mother's hospital bill and have her released? Or maybe he was a college student balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not being able to pay his tuition for the next semester. I could have let him go ahead of me.
And let me not forget to mention the scary looking guy, begging for money at a traffic light. Did I have to lecture him about finding a job? What if he was a slave to some addiction and needed a different kind of help that I could have offered?
As I reflect on these rather harsh actions, I ask myself why, despite my attempts at being conscientious, I lose my compassion at the most critical moments? After all, change is not initiated by admonishing people for their mistakes or pronouncing judgments on their behaviour, but by opening our hearts to understand them better. And, remembering that we are not superior to others but were born lucky or simply had a series of lucky breaks.
I know that I cannot influence the world. After all, I am only a lone voice with not much clout. But I can change myself in a meaningful way. More importantly, if all of us act collectively we may even make a difference. We can take the time to ask the erratic driver, or the young man jumping the queue what his problem is and listen with compassion. Or exchange a few kind words with the old couple whose children are far away. Is that so hard to do?
Some of you may think that this column has dwelt only on the past. May be you are right. Of late, I have been reflecting hard on my past failings. Today, as I sit and write this piece on a foggy, winter morning in Dhaka, with the hint of a misty blue sky in the distance, my thoughts are focused on what I can do better next year and how.
Perhaps you can help me. Next time you run into me at a lunch or a dinner and you think I am being judgmental or impatient or unkind give me a hard nudge. But do remember to bring me some dessert later!
Happy New Year!

The writer is a renowned Rabindra Sangeet exponent and a former employee of the World Bank. E-mail: [email protected]