A Guide to Apologising on the Internet

You said the wrong thing at the wrong time, maybe lied or betrayed a friend. The point is you messed up, and now need to apologise and salvage whatever you can from your relationship. That's where I come in. 

Here is your unofficial comprehensive guide to apologising. Whether it's one person, a group of friends, or even the entire internet, this is a foolproof guide to apologising.

Step 1 – The Set-Up

What you've done is inexcusable. So you have to collect sympathy points at every possible opportunity. 

If you're apologising publicly or through a video post, make sure you have messy hair, puffy eyes, an oversized hoodie, and a bottle of fake tears ready to go. Making the audience think that you've been really reconsidering your choices is vital. Throw in a runny nose, crumpled tissues and sniffles for some bonus points because you hurting other people must have been very hard on you.

Step 2 – The Introduction

Now you need to "speak from your heart" and be sincere. Take a long deep sigh before you start because you totally didn't prepare and elaborately plan this apology, right? 

Next, make sure to say "I know saying sorry won't make it right" and prove over the next few months or weeks that your apology was nothing more than a well-written performative piece. Also, say that the last few days have been rough for you, because being a problematic individual takes a toll on you. 

Step 3 – Address the Situation

You've made it this far, might as well address the elephant in the room. Whether you've offended a community, or have said or done anything problematic, it's time to say sorry and "how terrible you feel about the whole situation". Bonus points if you gaslight those affected by saying you're only human and made a mistake. 

When you do apologise include the line "I'm sorry if you're offended or hurt" as if there's only a slight possibility someone just might've been hurt.

Step 4 – Conclusion

Your crocodile tears have dried and the tissue box is emptying out. It's time to end the apology, and people are tired of you at this point anyways. Here you need to promise to never do whatever you did ever again, and beg for a third chance because you messed up on the second one as well. More bonus points if you can play the victim card. Throw in another "I'm really sorry guys" because unnecessary repetition is key for forgiveness.

Congratulations! You made it through yet another horrendous and insincere apology. It may feel like the end of the world but keep your chin up. Who knows, maybe people will fall for your pathetic and deceitful tears, and accept the apology.

It's important to remember that we exist in a fast-paced cancel culture where we have attention spans of 12 seconds, and this will soon blow over like all your exposes and social media frenzies. People will soon forget about this and let you off the hook. Not that you deserve it but it will happen.

Aryah Jamil is mediocre at everything except laughing at her own jokes Tell her to stop talking at [email protected]