Creeps and stalkers consider filing lawsuit due to mental trauma caused by friend request glitch

Man distressed with the friend request logo imposed in patterns behind him.
Design: Abir Hossain

If there's anything Facebook is known for other than being a habitat for creepy internet stalkers, it's the weird glitches the platform comes up with every once in a while, and the sea of legal trouble it faces. However, the powerful forces met again yesterday as a glitch on the social media platform started sending out friend requests automatically to profiles visited by its users, causing a nightmare for internet stalkers.

"I was on my usual stalking spree, visiting the profile of that random girl in my university who asked me for a pen once during an exam and so I assumed she was in love with me," said Shadman Sakib, Jinish World Record holder for the most restraining orders issued against a person, "Her profile might be locked but my eyes aren't. I suddenly noticed that I had sent her a friend request. My worst nightmare came true since it made me look like a desperate and pathetic creep. Sure, I might actually be one in real life but if I can't hide my true self on social media, is there even a point of being on the platform?"

"Soon, I realised that the glitch had accidentally sent friend requests to all the profiles I had stalked that night. All the girls I was in love with! All 81 of them," cried Shadman, "And then the inevitable happened. They either blocked me or ignored my friend request. I knew I didn't have a chance with them to begin with but I didn't need that sort of a reality check in my life at such a young age."

Having learnt nothing after multiple rejections, Shadman then decided that the only way to move on from this is to sue a multi-billion-dollar company.

"I might have not been able to explain why I am not like other men but I will put into words the incurable damage that has been inflicted on me in a court of law. Even if the glitch is fixed soon, there will be no compensation for the trauma I have had to endure. It is my legal right to be able to hide behind the cloak of anonymity on social media and Facebook can't even grant me that" 

Meanwhile, panic rose across the internet as netizens were no longer able to stalk the profile of their exes as a part of their daily 3 AM depression routine.

"It was past midnight and time for me to regret my life choices and obsess over my past relationship despite all the trauma it inflicted upon me," Raisa explained how the glitch affected her, "When I went to his profile to see whether he was miserable without me, the glitch automatically sent him a friend request. Being the desperate loner he is, he accepted the friend request in less than a second. Next thing you know, my emotionally needy self forgot about all the therapy sessions and got back together with him."

Raisa has since broken up yet again with her partner and resides in a state of shock. While she wasn't exactly sure who to blame for her series of terrible decisions, Raisa has turned to the very functional legal framework that governs big tech companies. She hopes to emerge victorious. 

"A girl can only lose so much," she said upon asking what was the rationale behind her drastic decision.

Their efforts might be futile but the silver lining to their wild goose chase is that the only people more reckless than Shadman and Raisa are billionaire tech entrepreneurs. So, the odds may not entirely be against them.

Facebook CEO Mark Lizardburg has come out and claimed that the glitch was intentional, "With the Pranuv Train concert less than a month, it is pathetic how most of you don't even have a date. I decided to take matters into my own hands and be the matchmaker myself."

"The real victims in this tragedy are the ones who didn't get any friend requests despite the glitch and me," said Mark. 

Remind Ifti to be quieter at [email protected]