ARIES
In Roman schools, there were a lot of boy-girl parties. Yes, THOSE ones.

TAURUS
Pretend your sister is correct for a day to drive her mad. Flawless victory.

GEMINI
Fry a beaver tail and pretend it is a waffle. Because you're a redneck.

CENCER
"What do it do?" is not an oft-asked question because the sentence is incorrect.

LEO
What makes a good day? Submersible vehicles, Brownian motion and mathematics.

VIRGO
Begging for seaweed is unbecoming of you. Go back to school and get a protractor.

LIBRA
An enemy is what a can of soap is to a bar of soap. The two can't coexist.

SCORPIO
So you say you want to become a writer? THIS IS WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! *hiss*

SAGITTARIUS
Well-dressed pigeons will be the death of you. It will receive 12,568 YouTube views.

CAPRICON
Crawfish are an excellent way to torture school kids, says Lenny the Loan Shark.

AQUARIUS
Getting thrown into the ring gets you into shape. (Do you get it? This is brilliant!)

PISCES
I trust people as far as I can spit them. Which isn't very far, yet. I'm trying, okay?!