ARIES
Facing difficulties? Stop complaining. The Irish have it worse.

TAURUS
Your future is more convoluted and tangled than the earphones in your pocket.

GEMINI
It's time for change. You can't keep the customer waiting all day.

CANCER
You can do anything you put your mind to. But you won't. You'll amount to nothing!

LEO
If you literally oil your superiors, they're going to be tripping all over the place. (That would be hilarious).

VIRGO
They are right behind you. Don't stop, can't stop.

LIBRA
There is a positive correlation between making more friends and the number of 'friends' you have on Facebook.

SCORPIO
Sure, you drop the bass now but years later, when it breaks, you'll regret it.

SAGITTARIUS
I swear, it wasn't my idea! I was coerced into it by the charming one-armed man!

CAPRICORN
You can only help your friend so much. You can't eat his food FOR him.

AQUARIUS
Disappointment will come down on you like an extra chromosome.

PISCES
They all know your secret. They're laughing at you.