Michael Jackson gets up my nose

MICHAEL Jackson's stuff was due to be auctioned today. But the pop singer cancelled the sale.
Bother. I was hoping to pick up one of his old noses.
No, I mean it. A source in the plastic surgery business tells me that it is well known that one of Wacko Jacko's noses collapsed. It sort of went inwards and upwards, until it was hovering somewhere between his eyebrows. The word is that a German doctor used cartilage and stuff from his ears to build up the current nose he has today.
Having an ear that looks like a nose in the middle of your face must be great for party tricks. He can put his fingers in his ears and pretend he can't hear you, but can sneakily listen in with his nose. How cool is that?
Michael Jackson must be the only human being who has changed his face more than this toy my kid has called Mr. Potato Head.
Anyway, I wanted to buy one of his old noses as a symbol of human folly. Jacko, a guy who earns US$1 million for each show, is running out of cash. How come?
Well, he's a pop star. These guys, like film stars, the children of tycoons, and the wives of columnists, are famed for their ability to spend vast fortunes at high speed.
Hollywood actor Nicholas Cage revealed a few days ago that he has had to sell his castle in Bavaria, Germany. "However, he still has one castle left, in the UK," his spokesman said. The news brought tears to my eyes. How can a man live with only one castle? Life is hard.
Who else is reportedly low on cash? Actress Lindsay Lohan, who earns about US$6 million a year, has apparently managed to drink the lot. This is actually a pretty impressive achievement for a 22-year-old. I'm furious with my careers advisor for failing to advise me years ago to move to California and set up a mobile alcohol stall outside her house.
But if I had to give a "financial idiot award" to someone I would give it to Elton John, who blew US$50 million in two years, including US$500,000 on flowers. When a judge asked him whether it was really possible to spend so much money at a florist's, Elton replied, "Yes. I like flowers."
But maybe the top financial idiot award should be reserved for rap star MC Hammer. By the early 90s, he had earned US$49 million, Forbes estimates. In the mid-90s, it was all gone. Accountants tried to locate it.
They discovered he had bought 17 luxury cars, two helicopters, a stable of racehorses and a bowling alley. His 12-acre estate had a stereo so large that it needed 35 kilometres of wiring, and its walls had US$75,000 worth of mirrors. How can anyone buy so much stuff without noticing? (If anyone can answer that question, please inform Elton John.)
Meanwhile, I cannot resist ending without a dig at Mr. Jackson's unhealthy interest in the young generation.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a supermarket bag?
A: One is white in color, made of plastic, and should be kept well away from kids. The other is a bag for your groceries.