What NATO Really Tells Slobodan Milosevic, Perhaps

In their face to face meetings, this is probably what transpires between North Atlantic Treaty Organisation (NATO) head honchos and the Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic.

"Slobodan, why do you continue to make it difficult for us to help you? You know that we are on your side. We do not want an independent Muslim Kosovo any more than you do. We have categorically and repeatedly stated that regardless of the atrocities you commit against the ethnic Albanian Muslims, we are dead against the independence of Muslim Kosovo. There are too many Muslim nations in the world, for Christ's sake! We are not about to help create another one. Certainly not in the heart of mother Europe!

Slobodan, please massacre 4 to 5 Muslim men, women and children at one time, if that's what turns you on. But forty-five! You must be out of your mind! That is a public relations disaster! You force us to call meetings in Brussels and send delegations to Belgrade. That costs a lot of effort and money; money that can be better spent bombing Iraq. If you continue to massacre ethnic Albanian Muslim men, women and children at this rate, we will be forced to call more meetings in Brussels and send more delegations to Belgrade to beg you to stop. How would you like that!

The Muslim holy month of Ramadan is over. This presents a perfect opportunity to resume the bombing of Iraq. Your indiscretion puts us on the spot. What if some dumb Muslims point out the hypocrisy vis-a-vis our policy towards you and Iraq. We do not worry about the leadership of the Muslim world; too many of them are on our patronage and pay roll. It is the stupid Muslim masses that concern us. What if they see through our hypocrisy and take to the streets. We may be paying a hefty price for your insatiable appetite for Muslim blood, Slobodan!

What more do we need to do to convince you that we are your ally, Slobo? In the aftermath of NATO bombing in the fall of 1995, as the Muslim-Croat army was about to annihilate the Bosnian Serbs, we put a stop to their advance and saved the Serbs. Don't you remember that? Although at your instigation, Slobo, the Bosnian Serbs initiated the Balkan war and committed 90 per cent of the atrocities, have you forgotten how we rewarded you? We gave the Bosnian Serbs, who were only 34 per cent of the prewar population of Bosnia, 49 per cent of the territory - and the Bosnian Serb Republic!

We would have given you more time to ethnically cleanse Bosnia of Muslims had you not so stupidly shot down American pilot Scott O'Grady and tried to kill him. We had no choice but to bomb you then. Americans were angry; even right-wing Senators wanted us to punish you. That was dumb, dumb, dumb. You shot yourself in the foot, you naughty boy!

If you need more convincing that we are your friends, how about this: everyone calls you the "Butcher of Belgrade;" the evil incarnate that triggered the Balkan massacres. Yet, we have successfully omitted your name from the list of war criminals to be tried at the Hague. It was not easy to pull that one off; people keep on reminding us: No Milosevic, no Balkan war. Where is your gratitude, Slobo?

What's the hurry, Slobodan. You know we won't confront you. Even if we were to issue threats, your Slavic ally Russia will go berserk and counter threaten us. We say, go slow. Eliminate only a few Muslims at a time. Frighten the rest into leaving Kosovo for Albania and Macedonia. Then before you know it, you will have an ethnically-cleansed Serbian Kosovo. And we will be rid of the Muslim problem.

Do not for a moment think that we do not understand your anger at what the Ottoman Turks did to your country in the middle ages. We do. The barbaric Muslim hordes came to the doorstep of Vienna in the East and to France in the West. Europe was almost lost to them. Thanks to the Spaniards, the French and the Serbs, Europe was saved. You must understand we are not about to let the Muslims adventure and frolic in Europe again. You now have a golden opportunity to teach the Muslim hicks real western civilization, Slobo; don't blow it!

But you, too, must play by our rules, Slobo. Fortunately it is easy to hoodwink the Muslim world; they believe in what we say, not what we do. They bought our white lie that we are destroying Iraq on behalf of the world community, when it is the western interests that we are advancing. Thanks to Richard Butler and UNSCOM, we have successfully spied on Iraq from air and land for nine years. Using United Nations Security Council as a cover, we have systematically destroyed Iraq as a nation. The threat to our oil supply and to Israel has been eliminated. Times are good, Slobo, don't jeopardise it. With a few Richard Butlers and Slobodan Milosevics, we should be able to put the Muslims in their - languishing somewhere out in the third world. If you overplay your card, the Muslim world will demand that we bomb you too, if we bomb Iraq.

If you do something really, really stupid, like massacring another 50 civilians, or harming UN personnel, we may have no choice but to bomb you to pacify the world's outrage. But our heart will not be in it. We will bomb you with a wink. We will pretend we are bombing. You know, like making love to one woman while fantasizing about another! Grin and bear it, because rewards will follow for you after the bombing, just as it did after the Bosnia bombing. Remember it is the Muslims, our real enemy, that we are after, not you.

Let us give you some good news, Slobo. We may huff and puff but will always come up with an excuse, such as the presence of unarmed monitors in Kosovo, not to act. We will condemn the ragtag Kosovo Liberation Army equally for provoking the massacres.

Europe has no stomach for bombing or defeating you whatsoever. Don't be misled by our threats; they are all empty, and only for the consumption of gullible Muslims. You will be surprised how many real friends you have in Europe and on the United Nations Security Council. The Muslims have none. So keep the killing of the Muslims at a low level, so as not to attract the Press's attention. Won't you please, please help us help you, dear Slob?"