Ask the Shout Troll

Dear Shout Troll,
I have a very weird tendency to laugh at solemn occasions. I was once caught sniggering by an old lady's deathbed and suffice to say the looks I got weren't the most friendly. I know for a fact that I don't find human tragedy a laughing matter and yet the laughter just bursts out whenever I get wind of one. The last straw was when my girlfriend told me over the phone that her cat was fatally ill and my reaction was falling to the floor in laughter. This is ruining my laugh. Ugh. Sorry, life. Please help.
-- Misunderstood

Just go ahead, laugh at solemn occasions. The quicker you reveal yourself to be the morally corrupt, empathically dead jerk that you are, the faster society can be done with you. You won't be invited to funerals or deathbeds anymore. Though unfortunately for you, all the comedy will have gone out of your life. Console yourself by thinking that you have done society a greater good.

Hey Shout Troll,
I think I'm beginning to develop a bad case of gamer vision. I'd like to think I came up with that moniker myself. You see, whenever I'm out on the streets I begin to visualise everyone in the vicinity as a hostile target and I get this insane urge to chuck something at them. Since I don't carry my grenades with me while I'm out walking, I usually have to make do with peanuts or other menial objects. The victims aren't, obviously, pleased. If we were in a game setting, they wouldn't have the time to be. It leaves me frustrated. What should I do?
-- Sincerely, Fat Gamer

I think it's time for you to move to a war zone. The REALLY action-packed part of a war zone. You will find yourself in the company of like-minded people who also go around thinking random moving objects are targets. Except, they may actually carry guns. I guess if you knew that they were armed too, your fun filled game would end, because sick headed scum of society like you get pleasure from feeling in-control.

Dearest Shout Troll,
My girlfriend, who is twice my size, out butches me in several aspects but it doesn't really bother me. Love is love. Problem is, I told her maybe it's time she lives up to her double X chromosome attributes and feminine up a bit. While she took massive offense, she took up the first challenge of womanhood and started cooking for me. Problem is, every time she cooks, I have MASSIVE food poisoning. It's been a month now and I have lost 1/4 of my body weight. She thinks I'm bulimic. How do I break it to her?
-- Sincerely, ChubbyChaser

Why are all awful people mailing me today? I have an intense urge to tell you that you totally deserve it for being a sexist A-hole. If your girlfriend's cooking is too horrid for you, chew on that.