50 disguises for sugar

My kids were scoffing sweet, flat pies from a box. "The sugar will make your teeth rot," I roared. But they thrust the package at me, telling me that they were sugar-free health foods.
I peered at the box suspiciously. It appeared to have no sugar and be mostly made of fruit. The packaging of Earth's Best Tots Cereal Bars said the main ingredient was "organic evaporated cane juice." It added: "It is recommended that children get six servings from this important category every day."
But it was so sweet the smell alone would give anyone type II diabetes from 100 metres. Strange.
About 20 minutes later, as I was walking down the street, the truth hit me. Hang on a minute! "Organic Evaporated Cane Juice?" That is sugar. We'd been fooled!
Now you see why I think business people are crooks.
When I reached the office, I Googled the ingredient in question. Up popped the US Food and Drug Administration's website, confirming that "organic evaporated cane juice" was sugar, plain and simple, and saying: "Sweeteners derived from sugar cane syrup should not be declared as 'evaporated cane juice'."
I had allowed Evil Business People (a US "health" food firm called Hains Celestial Group) to sugarise my already terrifyingly hyper children.
But before I could plot revenge, I was distracted by the fact that my email inbox was full.
Judging by mail and comments from readers, the most important technological invention of the modern age is the SMS Underpant. This garment, made by a firm called Simavita, automatically sends text messages to nurses if any "activity" has occurred inside them.
I asked readers to name "disguise words" for sugar. Angela Sias and others instantly found more than 50, including maltodextrin, sorghum, corn syrup solids, agave nectar, xylose, etc.
Angela's list:
1. Barley malt, Beet sugar, Brown sugar, Buttered syrup, Cane juice crystals, Cane sugar, Caramel, Corn syrup, Corn syrup solids, Confectioner's sugar, Carob syrup, Castor sugar, Date sugar, Demerara sugar, Dextran, Dextrose, Diastatic malt, Diatase, Ethyl maltol, Fructose, Fruit juice, Fruit juice concentrate, Galactose, Glucose, Glucose solids, Golden sugar, Golden syrup, Grape sugar, High-fructose corn syrup, Honey.
One reader commented: "Your children's cereal bar packaging is shockingly misleading, but smart people are allowed to make money by tricking stupid ones. It's called capitalism."
You know what? I really miss communism. Communists don't trick your children. They just burn your books and make you go into the countryside and toil the land with peasant farmers until you die in the fields and your bones are picked clean by vultures. At least it's honest.

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