Bank of the bold | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, April 20, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, April 20, 2018

Bank of the bold

Welcome to Bangladesh International Vote Banking

Bangladesh International Vote Banking brings you the opportunity to avail dead people votes, double votes, interest-based group votes, and much more, all designed in ways to suit you.

Voted 2018's Mother of Finances by the Association of Corrupt Banker-Politicians, BIVB is the solution to your popularity problems. 

What we do

Your popularity doesn't stand still, and neither do we. We understand that everyone uses Vote Banks for different reasons and we don't believe “one size fits all” when it comes to who you want voting for you. For instance, who really wants the liberal votes? That's like maybe six people in the whole country. And what about the middle-class? Please, they are only a buffer between the rich and the poor. In their armchairs, they discuss events they cannot influence—the group easiest to co-opt if world history can be trusted as evidence.

What we do here at the Vote Bank is much more than just buy people to vote for you. We are modern, fast-growing and always using state of the art technology to influence elections the world over.

Why choose BIVB?

Public-choice theory

Our experts understand that what this means is that while a voter maybe inclined to vote for a certain politician, he will not make the decision based on “perfect knowledge”, i.e. knowing everything there is to know. Voters will normally opt for whichever benefits them the most at a given time. We will design policies that will appeal to their short-term interests. We have the data. Trust us.

For instance, we use the words “digital”, “women-empowerment” and “development” at any given time to maximise reach. These are real world Search Engine Optimization and it is proven to work.  

Your children are our children

Here at BIVB, all our strategies are geared towards children, whom we consider to be our “national treasure” easiest to exploit. In the wise words of the perfect statesman, “As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of the children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any depravation.”

To make society more passive, police the parents. Focus on how children are becoming radical and not on those who are funding the radicalisation. They will accept it and in time society will be used to the idea of being policed all the time. They will also give up everything and vote for you if you can create a perceived threat which does not exist.

Want to stymie the growth of a growing minority rebellion? Flood their districts with cheap drugs and get the kids hooked to it. Then, start small infringements into privacy disguised as a drug war and keep racking up those profits. 

Creating spectrum

Before election year, we help design the spectrum of any discussion. Using the best political ideology possible, we don't believe anything can be discussed. That which can be discussed should be discussed so much that nothing else even matters.

Prepare to be amazed at our portfolio of distracting protests and carefully curated social media outrages.

Make some class

We can also make classes. So you have your upper class, middle class and lower class, right? WRONG. Years of dedication and perseverance have helped us abolish these backward class segments. With BIVB's dedication, we have created brand new class categories. There's now upper upper upper class, upper upper class, upper class, upper middle class, middle class, lower middle class, lowest middle class, upper lower class, middle lower class, lower class and dead. We can get everyone of those classes to vote for you.

Now, if you don't have money to buy the voters, worry no more. We have that handled too.

For instance, if you single-handedly destroyed the banking sector, worry no more. We will design brand new saving-certificates which will pay more in interest than commercial loans charge. Meaning, while all the money in the economy will be tied up, you can use it to push down inflation and use the money.

And why not print loads of money to build stuff to negate the reduction in inflation?

Highest returns

We also guarantee the highest return. Our specialists never sleep. In fact, we prop up the Yaba trade as one of our Corporate Social Responsibility projects. We also coax corporations to begin projects to employ people in the name of development. These same people then become part of your votes.

Where do I sign up?

To open an account with us, just give us all your details and don't worry about the texts you receive from companies offering dinners and discounts on various things you could purchase.

Wait. How do they know you have a credit card or debit card? And what your bank is and what your number is?

Don't worry about that. We didn't sell any of your confidential information. Just open the damn account and stop asking stupid questions.

There's an election to win. Don't sweat the details. Allow us to do all the sweating for you.

*Conditions apply

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