Winning an argument on social media is quite impossible - or so you've been told. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can win internet squabbles with logic and reason. The internet is a war zone and only the most dedicated tacticians are inducted into the Internet Hall of Debating Fame.
Here's your guide to winning any online argument. Use it well so that the next time you get into an argument about feminism or politics, you will emerge victorious.
ESTABLISH YOUR AUTHORITY
Feel free to declare yourself an expert on anything - irrespective of what the argument is about. “As a maths teacher,” “As an aeronautical engineer with a minor in social justice,” “As a professional Pokémon card-hoarder” - on the internet you can be anybody you damn well choose. There is nothing that you [the expert] don't know due to your vast experience in the field of, well, whatever you're claiming. It doesn't matter that your sizable “knowledge” on the political manoeuvres of the British East India Company during the 19th century was derived from an incomplete viewing of Mangal Pandey. The sorcery that is the internet allows you to claim that you are, in fact, Mangal Pandey reanimated and get away with it.
DON'T STOP COMMENTING
You can't lose if you never stop commenting. However, this method requires some serious dedication on your part. Feign illness to skip school or work. Stock up your room on Dead Bull and Tomato Crackers. Do whatever is necessary to ensure total annihilation of your opponent - even if it means being cooped up in your room for twenty hours straight with nothing but a bottle to curb your need for bathroom breaks. When it comes to internet fights, the only way to decimate the enemy is to get the final word.
Animated GIFs are among the most dangerous weapons you have at your disposal. These visual cues have the ability to convey your point better than memes or words. For example, there is something magical about using Obama's mic drop at the end of your verbal rant to establish that you've won. However, mastering the art of animated GIFs takes time and patience. Prepare to devote every second of your free time on Giphy and Imgur. Your time spent ploughing through countless GIFs of Hotline Bling and F.R.I.E.N.D.S. will pay off.
MAKE PERSONAL ATTACKS
The simplest way to win any online battle is to shamelessly attack your opponent. Begin the barrage of personal attacks by calling your enemy a loser who has nothing better to do but argue with strangers online. If the enemy doesn't budge, call him a smelly dish-faced beaver elf. The more innovative you can get, the better - your opponent won't know what hit him, or her. Although noobs to the ways of internet battles might find this move silly, this strategy has worked time and again.
BONUS VICTORY POINTS
Just compare your opponent with Hitler. There's a reason it's called Godwin's Law and not Godwin's Theory.
Now that you've been schooled, go out and blow everyone away with your impressive online prowess.
Mithi Chowdhury is a dog-loving-movie-watching-mediocrity-fearing normal person. Either that or a penguin. Find out at firstname.lastname@example.org