4 Types of People Who Weaponise Facebook in Family Feuds

"Give people the power to build community and bring the world closer together."

For over 15 years, this has been Facebook's mission statement. While the words are undeniably sweet and inspiring, it is common knowledge that the app has often failed on its promise very intentionally for the sake of profits.

One form of communal division that Facebook did not plan or see coming, however, was how Bengali households would learn to use Facebook as a weapon in their family feuds.

In my experience, these are the four kinds of Bengali folks who seek refuge in Facebook in times of domestic war and distress the most.

1. The FBI (Familial Bureau of Investigation)

For the most part, FBI agents appear to be very simple-minded and friendly. They are friends with the entire family on Facebook, even if some of the relatives are feuding, and they never take sides. They will regularly react to everyone's posts and always ask you about recent developments in your life like they genuinely care.

What you don't know, though, is that their intentions are rarely ever innocuous. These are the people that will keep track of the number of times a specific member of the opposite sex appears on your posts and if you dress "appropriately" enough when you're out. On the days they feel particularly indulgent, they might even check out who reacted to your recent posts and filter out the regulars.

2. The Interfool

The Interfool, like the Interpol, have made it their mission to police the world on what is right and what is wrong and apparently, stalking people on Facebook is their first step to a better world. Sometimes these people happen to be members of the FBI and when not, they have aids in the bureau to help them out with intel.

Unlike the FBI, the Interfool are easier to detect. These are the annoying self-righteous adults in the family running their mouths over why your cousin posts so many selfies every other day or why she goes out so often. They also never shy away from taking stances on family issues that don't really involve them.

3. Bidrohi Kobi Bazrul

Pages posting motivational quotes or not very covert clapbacks are these people's playground. They barely get into any verbal altercation but on their phones, they are unstoppable. Their posts are always very pointed and more often than not, they leave nothing to the imagination. You almost always know who they are pointing at.

4. Houdini

The Houdinis are quite frankly the most normal of the bunch and usually, every kid's favourite cousin. They always have the entire family blocked on Facebook and when any tech-ignorant relative asks how they never post, they claim to not have an account in the first place.

Their feeds are filled with meme spams and most of the time their memes are very, very relatable. The best parts about Houdinis are how they are forever on good terms with everyone and how well they keep secrets, even when they know the latest family gossip that the FBI hasn't unearthed yet.

Although Facebook never imagined tropes like these would survive and thrive on the platform, I'm sure they appreciate the profits these people bring to the platform with their hours of nosiness and spying. In the same way, I can't help but have a dark humorous appreciation for the drama that later ensues.

Fabiha is secretly a Lannister noblewoman and a Slytherin alum. Pledge your allegiance and soul to her at [email protected]