8 dead people who aren't dead

A teenage friend looked up from her computer. "Jim Carrey's dead!" she gasped.
Shocked, we gathered around to read the sad news about the movie comedian. Then we learned it was not true: Carrey was alive. That was March 2.
A week later, Internet news flashes said Adam Sandler and Jaden Smith had died. Again we grieved. But they were also false.
Last week, my young surfer friend said: "Charlie Sheen's been found dead in his house!" This was greeted by an uncomfortable silence. No one actually said: "Hooray."
We're all too well bred for that sort of thing. But there was a fair bit of spontaneous dancing.
Nevertheless, our reactions were irrelevant: it was again untrue. Walking dead people are dominating the news just now. A man recently returned to his family 12 years after his funeral, according to a cutting sent by a reader.
After sending Kweku Anokye of Ghana to hospital, his family was told "the authorities had discharged some patients and killed the rest." (That's how they make bed space, I suppose.) Since he didn't turn up at home, his folks assumed he was dead. No doubt they grieved long and hard, with passionate cries of "Oh, well."
A dozen years later the hospital people decided the guy was ready to be discharged (ah, now I see why they have a bed shortage).
Local media reported last week: "He is now facing difficulties integrating into the community of Akyem Bomso because a lot of people think he is a ghost."
I feel sorry for Kweku. Can you imagine the conversations he has?
"So, what's it like being dead?"
"Ask me one more time and you'll find out for yourself." There's a similar case in India at the moment. The family of Sital Singh Bagi, 70, declared him dead and claimed his pension.
When he returned home, they decided they'd rather have the money than him. He has spent 12 years trying to persuade people he is alive. This happens so often in India that there is now an Association of Dead People, who meet and have odd conversations.
"Hi. How long have you been dead?"
"Fourteen years. You?"
People in Japan are so polite that walking dead people feel guilty for not being dead.
After Shoichi Yokoi emerged from a cave where he had been hiding from World War II for decades, he stepped off a plane in Tokyo and said: "It is with much embarrassment that I have returned alive."
Discussing the walking dead reminds me of the CNN obituary glitch of 2003. The news group accidentally put some odd obits on the internet. Dick Cheney, former US vice president, was described as "the UK's favorite grandmother." The Pope was listed as a fan of horse racing and his story was headlined "life as Queen Consort."
The editors claimed the obits were unedited templates, but my theory is that they contain shocking truths that cannot be printed until the individuals are dead.
Anyway, the hot news is that a movie is to be made about the life of the founder of the Association of Dead People.
After he was declared officially dead, Lal Bihari (picture above) changed his name to Lal Bihari Deceased and signed letters "the late Mr Bihari."
The authorities have now agreed he's alive. I suggest they call the movie The Life and Death and Life of Lal Bihari Deceased. When he finally does die, they'll have to put something unusual on his tombstone.
"Dead. Again?!"

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