Of all the myriad groups of people existing in South Asia, one of the most irksome ones are aunties. Some live with them, some live around them, and some become them. However, with all their spying and intruding, we often try to shun them from our lives and don't listen to what they have to say. So, to make your lives more miserable, I've decided to drastically alter some of the teachings of a wonderful book called The 48 Laws of Power written by Robert Greene so that it instead contains information on what aunties would do, what they already do, their advice for other aunties and what they want you to do-secretly or openly.
ADVICE FOR THE CHILDREN
LAW 1 — NEVER OUTSHINE THE MASTER
If your teacher is wrong, nod your head like they're still right. Correcting your teacher is unbelievably rude and can result in you losing your marks. Teachers might pretend to not be offended but they will be. And are adults ever wrong? I'm an auntie, so I know how it feels when children try to teach us something instead. Showing that you're correct is a display of pride — a cardinal sin. Doesn't matter how humble or gentle you were while you corrected the “mistake”. So instead, resort to showering praises upon your teacher.
ADVICE FOR FELLOW AUNTIES
LAW 36 — DISDAIN THINGS YOU CANNOT HAVE: IGNORING THEM IS THE BEST REVENGE
It is necessary and indeed very smart to have complete and utter contempt for all that you cannot have. If your child failed an exam while the neighbour's child of the same age and at the same school got the highest grade without the multiple tutors your child has, pretend that you don't care about these things at all. This is a good time to be philosophical and ask what the point of a life of only struggle and no fun is. Go out of you way to tell your neighbour that grades in school have no meaning and are in no way an accurate predictor of future success, even though you don't believe this in the least bit and your child not getting 96% and above makes your inner self flop around like a fish out of water. There might be people who tell you that your demands are too much for your child. You watching Hindi serials at a high volume is also quite distracting, but you need to ignore them like you ignore every child more accomplished than yours.
A TOP SECRET
LAW 44 — DISARM AND INFURIATE WITH THE MIRROR EFFECT
Spend some time learning the popular opinions of teenagers. One very common trait among teens today is their extreme dislike for aunties. Upon spotting a child standing alone, approach them and start talking about how you hate some women these days have nothing better to do than constantly gossip about the activities of children other than their own. Yes, it will hurt you and yes you know that they are wrong but the brains of teens are not fully developed and so they misunderstand your genuine concern and interest in their personal matters as an invasion of their “privacy” or whatever that Western concept they so regularly refer to is. Gain their trust and glean all the necessary information you need from them. They'll understand when they're older that you only wanted to help them by discussing what they do. The whispers and snickers were only for dramatic effect. They'll get it eventually.
Whether you are really planning to use these tips or are trying to recover from reading such vile tips, you have to admit that the lens through which aunties view the world is an interesting one indeed.