THE CYNIC'S GUIDE TO NOT STARTING YOUR BAND
So, you and a bunch of your friends want to start your own band. You've got your guitarist, drummer, vocalist; you've even hired a band manager. Being massive fans of Nemesis, you've also come up with your band name – 'Nemesis 2.' Or maybe, for the more creative lot amongst you, who think outside the box: 'Ally.'
Well, hate to be a hater, but STOP! You may think you have everything, but you're wrong; no dedication, no passion, and I'll bet, no talent. Bottom-line: you suck. Now I don't intend to crush dreams here; I'm simply giving you the cold, hard truth of things. Just pull the plug - do not start your own school band.
If you're in denial, or on the off-chance that you don't actually suck, here are 6 reasons to still not start a school band.
1. It takes an enormous amount of hard work
Whether you have talent, or you think you have talent, a successful band will need much more. To reach the levels you're aspiring to reach, you'll have to invest an enormous amount of time, make unthinkable sacrifices and practice for hours on end. The movies make it seem all easy, but your studies and academics will undoubtedly be affected, if not totally neglected. True rock fans will argue by quoting Pink Floyd lyrics; you are only fooling yourselves.
2. You'll have to come up with your own material eventually
Coming up with original music is harder than finding the needle in a needle-stack. Even with truckloads of talent, you'll need to be able to write, compose and produce your own music. Music, which will bring joy to the hearts of people for ages to come – a tough ask few can do. What'll probably happen is your band will have to end up singing only covers, just like Boyce Avenue. Do you really want to be Boyce Avenue?
3. Friendships will be strained
While you think it will be fun to jam with your friends if you have a band, just take a moment to think of all the bands that have imploded and broken apart. Yeah. There are going to be rifts between members over the smallest of matters, fights will ensue, friendship bracelets will be burnt – an ugly scene. At the end of it all, you'll all be each other's nemesis, but you'll have no band.
4. No shows, no fun.
The music industry is rough. There definitely won't be enough events in your school for you guys to perform and make a name for yourselves. You'll have to look elsewhere, and nobody is going to take a bunch of kids with guitars and drumsticks seriously. There will be no gigs, you'll have no fans, and you'll go stale. And this will go on for a long time until you finally manage to convince someone to give you a gig.
5. Lack of support all around
You won't have the support you need. Most parents obviously won't opt for something that hampers your studies, and they'll force you to stop. The school authorities will be at your backs too. School rock band = rebels, and no school wants that. I, myself, had a band in school called "Time to Funk", until an ill-fated typo caused us to be suspended for three weeks. (No Principal can approve of a band called "Time to Bunk".)
6. Lastly, fame is fickle.
Being in a band won't make you cool, it won't help you get the chicks; all that is temporary. In fact, by their mid-twenties, most musicians are either "wannabes" or "has beens". They're also broke, dysfunctional, socially inept, and losers with no futures. [EDITOR: THIS IS A JOKE. PLEASE DON'T GET ANGRY, MUSICIANS.] Don't tread that path. The only stage YOUR voice needs, is the shower.
Nibras is a doctor-to-be and a lover of murgi roast. He spends his free time stalking you on Instagram, so DM @niibbzzz.
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