Bangladesh to export Covid-22 to revive economy | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, June 20, 2020 / LAST MODIFIED: 08:01 PM, June 22, 2020

Bangladesh to export Covid-22 to revive economy

The minister of commerce yesterday announced Bangladesh will soon start exporting Covid-22 to other countries.

"As always, we will begin on a limited scale," said Yet Another Businessman Turned Minister of Commerce, welcoming loud cheers and applause from all those present at the press conference.

"Finally, we have managed to identify a resource that is available in abundance. Those who criticised our handling of the outbreak are now eating humble pie in jail. You know, since the Vague Safety Act got them before the virus could," said the commerce minister, and another round of applause was heard. This correspondent recognised the applause track to be from Indian Idol season one.

This is all part of the new normal, said the secretary of commerce. "Multiple ministries will be collaborating and coordinating to devise a robust plan. We will continue on our path to reaching a GDP growth of 86%, and not just buy inflating and doctoring data! This time, the growth will be real, much like the growing number of infections in the country," he explained, adding a few more vague remarks but offering no clear information on how disease exports can boost the economy.

When pressed for details, the minister said, "It is simple, really. If America can export obesity, we can also do our part in turning the wheels of the world economy."

"The goal is to keep sending Covid-22 to different countries until they agree to meet our demands," said the Commerce Minister.

"Demands for what?" asked a reporter.

"Lax regulations for the business elite," the minister said matter-of-factly, "It will be a legendary move."

The ministry said it has already sent one man to an East Asian country, and the plan will soon be expanded. "In fact our exported citizens will definitely be treated in said foreign countries, decreasing pressure on our crumbling health system," said the health minister, famous for his lack of contribution in the health sector.

This correspondent reached out to experts to make some sense of the vague remarks. "The finance minister's irresponsible spending has led to such drastic steps to get revenue," said Left-leaning Economist, "The guy is close to seventy, but his spending habits are worse than a twelfth grader who makes no money but buys ten drinks a month at Krimson Cup just to hog the smoking zone."

Finance minister Legume Kamal brushed off these concerns. "What we need to understand is black money matters. You give businessmen enough incentive and they'll pay you to buy a public office. Our new export sector will put us well on the way to become a pro-wealthcare nation."

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