Untimely Existential Crises
Human emotions are similar to the weather. Sometimes it'll be sunny, sometimes it'll be rainy, sometimes it'll be snowing and then you start wondering why the sky is blue, what the origin of the colour blue is and why Nolan finished Inception on a never-ending cliffhanger (thank you for the countless sleepless nights afterwards). Now that you've started questioning everything, to have an existential crisis, you must go further and question things to the point where nothing matters because we're all just an infinitesimally small fraction of a vast universe that continues to expand in a multiverse that also continues to expand.
Of course, having an existential crisis (which shall be dubbed 'E.C.' from this point onwards) is perfectly human and can come to anyone at any time, really. It will come to you and just like everything else, it will shape the clay that is you, and you will move on, hopefully a more refined version of your past self. However, things CAN have a horrible timing to show up, so here's when to do your best to not have an E.C. and most importantly, why.
This is relatively unlikely for most of us unless life hates you THAT badly, but hold back the inner nihilism when you're confessing to or getting a confession from someone. This could happen if you have little to no belief in the fact that someone could ever like you because you have all the social capabilities of a turtle. If you let your inner nihilism out at a time like this, you are likely to lose your new found Romeo/Juliet (unless they too are having one, in which case, you've found your soulmate).
Your birthday would also be a rather awkward time for such an event. Imagine the cringe i.e. everyone singing 'Happy Birthday to you'. With a smile, you accept their blessings while thinking, 'Someone end me already'. If you fall into your pit of angst and then think that, well… it won't end well. Especially if they haven't stopped singing and have moved on to, 'May God bless you'.
The Social E.Cs, that is, during hangouts, are uncomfortably bad too. After all, you haven't met your friends in weeks and it's good to see them all together again and remember that they exist instead of always seeing them online. You all sit down to enjoy scrumptious food, catch up with each other and joke about all the memes you guys shared or tagged in each other. All of you are having a good time and it's all fun and games 'til someone says, 'Dude, you've been posting a lot of nihilist memes this month.'
Take a moment to go back to the scenario of finding your equally nihilistic Romeo/Juliet, and let's all pretend you two have gotten together and plan to get married. You work determinedly and plan the wedding and it's going so well until you remember how Romeo and Juliet ended and you both suddenly start wishing to live up to the story the whole thirty yards on your marriage day.
Speaking of what's at the end of thirty yards, never ever have an E.C. while on bathroom break. Let me assure you, it's a $(!^&!y situation. Sadly, this may tie in with the Social E.C. which is even worse. Remember, no one likes a party-pooper.
And finally, the ultimate worst time to have an E.C. is when you're already having an E.C. I'm probably not even kidding about this particular one; you really don't want to be thinking of how pointless everything is and then think that it's pointless that you think everything is pointless.
Now, you must be thinking, 'How the heck are any of these "untimely" existential crises?' Friend, let me bring to light another equally important question: 'When do I know the existential crisis is "timely"?' In any case, I'm short on words right now, so instead of answering the first question, here are good times to have an E.C. This list includes: on your results day (good luck everyone), during a funeral (which could probably cover costs since you won't need a separate one), while watching Game of Thrones (never forget how we all thought Ned would be king) and of course, many others. However, to be fairly honest, it would be best to avoid all E.C. for extra safety. After all, knowledge is power, but too much and your brain says 'yes ledge'.
Rasheed Khan is a hug monster making good music but terrible puns and jokes where he's probably the only one laughing. Ask him how to pronounce his name at [email protected]
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