Life lessons from YouTubers | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, February 22, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, February 22, 2018

Life lessons from YouTubers

Boy, has YouTube come a long way. In the twelve years since its conception, it has given us some wonderful content. Over time this content has shifted from funny cat videos to whatever the popular YouTubers can dream up. Mostly vlogs, since they're so “creative”.

YouTubers are perfect role-models for the rest of the human species, so today we're going to dissect some of their secrets to success. By implementing these life lessons (hacks?) you too can attain internet fame and nirvana, though not at the same time.

Creative baby names: In case I haven't made it clear how creative YouTubers are, the answer is very. To become a successful YouTuber, you have to let go of trying to be intelligent and focus on keeping it simple. This is why all the big YouTubers name channels after themselves (Casey Neistat, Jenna Marbles, Lake Paul) totally not narcissistic by the way. Therefore, to become successful in life, name your family after yourself. For example, if your name were Rasheed Khan, your children would be called Rasheed Khan-ers. Doesn't that have a nice ring to it?

You just want attention, you don't want my sub: You thought puppers needed attention? Clearly you haven't met YouTubers. They combine the neediness of a pet with the intelligence of flat-Earthers to make an unholy creation. You'll learn a lot about the real world from just watching YouTube videos. For instance, when you see the title “I ALMOST DIED” (always capitalized) you'll know from experience that the person has the flu. Just the flu, nothing more. Also, when the title of the video is “YouTube is conspiring against me, I'M GOING HOMELESS”, it is some form of emotional blackmail to get you to part with your funds. While we're on the topic of money...

Marketing 2 dummies/Marketing 4 dummies: Good news, you can save the lakhs of Takas (but not nine) you were about to spend on that expensive BBA degree. Who needs university when YouTubers are putting on a masterclass on how to sell stuff. If you haven't heard the phrase “buy my merch”, then YouTube is not a place you frequent. Hell will freeze over before a YouTuber fails to plug their merch. They will be wearing hoodies (available in the merch shop), their walls will be decorated with posters of said merch, their pets will be wearing pet-sized merch. They will also brainwash their child-majority fanbase into thinking this merch is a measure of class through songs that sound like demonic chants. If you're not marketing your product like this, you are definitely doing it wrong.

Etiquette: The right way to greet strangers on the street isn't to say hello, it's to throw water on their face and pretend it's acid. Not to mention the proper way of going to someone's house: illegally gaining access to their address and filming them without their permission. Don't forget about knocking food out of people's hands on the streets. All the prank channels teach us this, kindly educate yourself you socially-unaware bigot.

These are some of the foolproof ways you can become successful. Don't forget to start fake beef with me once you make it, thanks. 

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