What Your CGPA Says About You

If you think that you have not disappointed your parents enough by not being able to get accepted at a medical school, then I've got news for you. Meet CGPA (Cumulative Grade Point Average), a number which will haunt you throughout your life as a university student and beyond. In fact, the only way to avoid this menace is to go to med school, but let's face it, you were not good enough, exactly how you're not good enough for life.

But there are certain people who are good enough, which brings me to my first category:

3.9 – 4.0: You emit an aura that immediately lets people know that you are an insufferable know-it-all. You go to sleep on time, you're never late to class and you're always seen sitting at the first desk. Your favourite extra-curricular activity is kissing up to teachers. Your social life is next to non-existent, when you're not studying you're busy planning to study, or praying that your grades will forever be so good that you can keep saying "My CGPA > Your CGPA".

3.5 – 3.8: You study enough to get great grades, but you haven't sacrificed ECAs and your social life for that. You're civil with your teachers but you don't regularly ask to water their plants or babysit their kids. This is a good place to be, as long as you don't become an arrogant little s***.

3.0 – 3.4: You have unfortunately gotten caught in the middle in this day and age where mediocrity is not an option. You try hard but the results aren't good enough. Find out what's going wrong, and you'll get there someday.

2.5 – 2.9: You give more importance to chilling out than you do to studying. The consequences are dire but you couldn't care less. You may or may not be insanely good at ECAs, you're definitely a borderline socialite and I'm sure you're not using your potential to a hundred percent, because you could have a more respectable grade. 

2.0 – 2.4: You're a disappointment to yourself and your family, son. You rarely attend classes and you may have a reputation for always carrying a lighter but never a book. Is this really how you want to live your life?

1.0 – 1.9: Honestly I'm surprised that you're still alive and reading this. You must be that guy who keeps sharing the "MY GRADES DON'T DEFINE ME! I AM A FINE HUMAN BEING!!!!" post from 9GAG.

Your grades might not define you but they sure as hell determine whether or not your parents will be nice to you, whether you will ever find love, whether you'll get a job and basically, grades do matter. That annoying kid with the 4.0 will someday face the same fate as you, as of course we are all destined to die; but until then, try to keep your head above water and your CGPA above 3.0. May the force be with you.

*I have taken the liberty to shamelessly stereotype all of the aforementioned categories. However, there are exceptions to each of these that only prove the rules.