How to get your neighbour auntie to like you

Craving love is a natural human tendency. But sometimes love isn't just an outlet to add happiness to your life, it is of utmost necessity. Auntie-love falls under that category. 

You should prioritize winning over the neighbour auntie over impressing your parents. Your parents may overlook your shortcomings but to the eagle-like vision of aunties, your faults are opportunities for them to make the world a better place, by turning each and every innocent teenager into an adorsho chhele or meye. Yes, I am saying you can potentially escape the destructive "Bhabi janen?" phrase. Emphasis on the word "potentially" though, because evading vultures isn't something you can ever be absolutely sure about. Nonetheless, read on.

Aunties really care about your grades. If you ever cut a figure in one exam, they will be the first ones to call and console your parents. They will suggest a list of home tutors who have gotten into public universities, something you have to do achieve 6 years later too. The "basic shokto hote hobe toh bhabi" phrase is a constant reiteration of how your mom should pay more attention to what you do. You are naive if you think you can flee this tragedy. So it is of utter importance that you always do really well. But these people don't care about your grades as much as they care about that of their own kid. So if you ever score even 0.5 more than their kid, stay far away from them. Since they can't accept that someone can be better than their child, whom they spend thousands of Taka on tuition for, it definitely means you flattered the subject teacher into giving you better marks or secretly attended coaching classes (there is no bigger crime). They will deem you as manipulative and call you a black sheep. You are a bad influence and everyone will now know that. Conceal your grades from them even when their kid gets 0.5 more. Because then, the next day everyone will know who has the brighter future. The times you should tell aunties your marks are when you score exactly the same as their kid, or when their kid failed and you passed with flying colors. Because then you are the ideal student they will compare their child to. And you are trying to be friends with the auntie, not your classmate. Isolate yourself from bad grades and bad decisions. Because then, your popularity with aunties can never be destroyed. This is what I like to call, The First Law of Auntiedynamics. 

Aunties will always notice what you are wearing. The sure shot way to impress her in this regard is to keep a 12-yard orna with you at all times. Wrap your body and your self-esteem with it. Also you have to get better at interpreting different tones. Is the "Bah, ajkalker bachhara kotto modern" communicated with a tone of validation or a tone of smirk and disdain? Beware, and always remember that your self-worth is not nearly as important as your worth to an auntie. The looser your tunic is and the lower it goes, the tighter your relationship with this auntie becomes and the higher your worth is in her eyes. Boys, you must make sure you wear your pants up to your rib cage because that is the way to the heart inside an auntie's ribcage. You may have difficulties breathing but what can you do? Love is painful. Entropy or chaos always increases in a system where aunties isolate you for wearing "indecent" (read: comfortable) attires. This is the Second Law of Auntiedynamics. 

You shouldn't look too "all over the place" though. Because then this auntie will be worried about no boy ever liking you and you never getting any marriage proposals. She will advise your mom to take care of you with visible concern on her face and a slight tone of pride when she mentions that her daughter is beauty conscious. You are already struggling with calculus and organic chemistry. You don't need to compare to Sokhina who is fair and slim while your mom slaps chondon on your face.  Boys, you need to be the man that aunties consider to be the typical shudorshon purush. Increase your protein intake, hit the gym, inject Human Growth Hormone into your veins and use Glare and Wholesome, because only then will you be eligible to get all the ladies like Shahrukh Khan does in the advertisements. Grow a beard but make sure it's not too long, or else aunties will suspect you to be a terrorist. 

Finally, don't argue with aunties. Their level of understanding of how this world works is undoubtedly higher and once you propose otherwise, you are done for good. Don't bother logically explaining to them that you have puffy eyes from studying all night. If you are a girl, it is because you cried all night because of unrequited love and if you are a boy, you did drugs. You better use green tea bags to deflate those swollen eyes. The entropy in your life will approach a constant value as the love aunties have for you approaches a zero. This is the Third Law of Auntiedynamics. 

Use all this knowledge well. I hope the admiration of aunties bless your soul.

Fahrisa Islam is obsessed with everything sappy and wholesome and likes to think of herself as an optimistic unicorn. Send her some love at [email protected] and she will definitely send you some back.