Not #mychildrentoo
The #metoo movement and the recent sharing of numerous stories of sexual abuse in Bangladesh and across the world have brought home to us what we already knew – that women and girls (men and boys too, but mostly women and girls) are commonly subjected to various forms of sexual abuse throughout their lives.
"Commonly" is a key word here. Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, no matter how young one is or how old. It can happen anywhere, from out on the streets and other public places to the workplace, school and inside the home. It can be perpetrated by anyone, from complete strangers and random acquaintances, to colleagues, friends, relatives and close family members.
I remember a not-too-distant cousin "exposing" himself to me when I was perhaps five and he was 10 or 12 years older than me (though he seemed much older at the time). I remember being molested multiple times by a member of the household staff when I was eight. I remember telling a close family member about it only months after the man left our employ and possibly the country, and being told that I had imagined it. Maybe because there was nothing to be done, maybe because the issue was too difficult to comprehend, or perhaps to make me believe I had imagined it in order to help me forget… I remember being approached by another member of the staff when I was 13 – and finally being able to push him away. I remember being touched inappropriately in crowded and not-so-crowded places when I was 10 and throughout my life and being able to do little about it.
For much of the above, I didn't know what was happening, but somehow it just didn't feel right. I remember the red ghagra with golden sequins that I got for Eid which I loved and was looking forward to wearing – and which I never wore again. I remember thinking my parents' bedroom would be a safe place because he would never dare to enter it – and being shocked at how wrong I was. I remember praying to God that I didn't "grow" like those men said I would, so that I wouldn't have to experience such things again and worse. I remember for the longest time disliking people with the same names, men with moustaches, men who smoked, anything I associated with them.
Later in life, I remember thinking that I owed it to my significant others to tell them what had happened to me. They told me how it wasn't my fault, how I was still good and "pure". But I think it was my husband who really put it into perspective when he said very matter-of-factly, "If YOU'RE not the one who abused someone, I don't know why you're explaining it/yourself to me." And just like that, two decades after the fact, things fell into place. After carrying it around for 20 years thinking, why me, could I have avoided it, could I have stopped it, could I have done something about it, I realized that not only was it not my fault, but that it wasn't even something I had allowed to happen – it had happened TO me. Just like women who are abused anywhere, by anyone, under any circumstances, don't "ask for it" or even "entertain it". They are subjected to it by men in positions of power. They are victims-survivors-strong women, who live and deal with the trauma and/or speak out against it and demand justice.
I'm speaking out today not to hold any one person accountable, or to expose them so that others will know. I'm not even writing this to make myself feel better, because, truth be told, I really don't feel any better. I'm telling my story and probably that of countless others, to show that no one, no matter how young or old or sheltered or privileged, is safe, anywhere, around anyone – not even children, not even in their own homes, and not even in the company of trusted people.
And that's why, when I look at my five-year-old daughter today, I know it's not too early to teach her to protect herself, because I know that, unfortunately, I won't always be able to protect her.
When she was a baby, I would discourage random people from touching and carrying her and sitting her on their laps. Now, I show and tell her about the parts of her body that no one except her father and myself and the doctor in our presence, should be touching, that too on a need basis such as when bathing her or applying medication or lotion. I tell her that if they do, she should say no and stop them. I stress that if they do, she should come and tell me, or tell her father if I'm not around. When she's older, I want to tell her that shame is for perpetrators, not victims-survivors, and that safety is more important than false notions of modesty. If I had a son, I would teach him the same.
Experts have differentiated between teaching children about "good" and "bad" touch, where "bad" might seem like anything that hurts, for example, vaccinations, and "safe" and "unsafe" touch, where "unsafe" may not hurt or even always feel bad but which is anything that makes one feel uncomfortable and unsafe, including taking pictures. It is important for children – and adults – to know about safe and unsafe touching, about parts of the body that are considered private, about who they can go to if they feel unsafe or even confused, and to be able to express themselves using assertive language. Children should know that they can and should leave uncomfortable situations, that they should report the person making them feel unsafe no matter who they are, and that they should not keep it a secret just because the person has requested it or even threatened them. It is important to make children understand that it is not their fault and that they should feel no guilt or shame in the event that something like this occurs.
Children must be able to open up to adults they trust, safe in the knowledge that they too will be trusted. Parents need to listen, understand, believe and act. Research has shown that if there is disclosure, how parents react can either help or harm the healing process. Parents/guardians are advised to remain calm and encourage the child to share details without using leading questions which may confuse them. Once the information is acquired, action must be taken against the perpetrator. Counselling for children is recommended.
All of the above apply to adults as much as they do to children. In an ideal world, none of this would have ever happened or needed talking about. But the truth is, there are bad people out there doing bad things, and while we are not responsible for the actions of others, the onus is on us to try to protect ourselves the best we can. Training children from an early age to be sensitive and cautious not only equips them with the knowledge to protect themselves as children but also normalises the process for them as adults, so that, be it at college or in the workplace, they know what is and isn't acceptable behaviour and what can and should be done about it.
Fighting abuse must be normalised. We teach our children to look out before crossing the road, or to not touch a hot stove, or to keep their distance from dangerous animals, all in order to avoid them getting hurt. Even though it should come naturally, we teach them to call out for help in dangerous situations. If they're hurt, we administer to their wounds, until one day they're able to help themselves, or if they can't, they know to go to someone for help. Rarely do we warn them about people, namely sexual predators, who are the more common dangers around us. As unimaginable, uncomfortable, and scary as it may be for us, this is an issue we must address sooner rather than later. It is evident how important it is for #metoo survivors to have people believe in them and stand up for them. If anything, it's even more important for children, and will help develop their feelings of self-worth, while also reinforcing their confidence in the adults they love and trust.
This article was first published in Star Weekend magazine in December 2018.
Comments