How to survive real-life zombies

Zombies are all around us. Inconvenient, rude and often gross. They just do not know it. They may even be reading this on their phone, but they still would not know. Do you?

Identify a zombie

After many failed attempts, I realised the things you see on TV aren't always true. For example, you cannot start dancing on the street and expect everyone to follow. It worked only once for me and involved a pack of street dogs that did not know any better than to follow me in hip shaking. Having biscuits in my pocket may have helped. Similarly, what TV says about zombies is not true. They are not the rotting, smelly, worm-filled walking fleshbags we see on that boring talk show called Talking Dead.

Nope. Real zombies are just like you and me. They may or may not smell depending on when they showered last. But their most identifiable symptom is resembling an upside down 'J'. Or a walking stick. Look around you. There are people hunched over their phones, walking about with their brain turned off. They are the zombies your parents never warned you about.

How can they get you?

With absolute rudeness. That's right. Hollywood versions need to be bigger, badder and in 3D. Hollywood zombies bite, chew, snarl. Real life zombies do not physically bite, I think. But they can kill you with rudeness. Ever been to a dinner get-together and your friend keeps adding filters to his Instagram photos of the napkin? How about asking a shopkeeper about a product price but the guy is busy flipping through his Facebook feed? Aaargh! It is killing you inside.

Open streets and roads are the worst

You have to watch out for wide open spaces. That is where zombie attacks happen the most. Have you watched 28 Days Later? Empty city streets made the hero feel lost and liberated at the same time. And bam, he gets eaten. Or something. In real life, zombies are often walking hunched over a phone. At times, they are even driving or riding a bike while hunched over a phone. Other people need to watch out and move away from all this progress.

They are slow

That is the good news. You can outrun them. You can out-distance them. Remember that friend that kept on picking up her phone while you wanted to talk about life and other boring stuff? Well, you can walk away, quietly, and she will never know. Because on Facebook, you two are still friends and she can keep sending you Candy Crush requests. It is a trap. 

Schedule social media checking

Don't become a zombie yourself. The disease is highly contagious. One moment you are disagreeing on a friend's status, the next moment you are listening to a shrilly rubber chicken song and before you know it, three years have passed. It is that easy to become a modern day zombie. Therefore, schedule your browsing. Or buy a buggy old phone. You will notice grandparents who prefer using an old Nokia are quite immune to Zombie-ism.

How to kill a zombie?

This is the easy part. Zombies in movies die after you chop their head off. Drastic but effective. Very cool when the head rolls off into the distance to explode into a fireball. I always wanted to do that. With real life zombies, you can finish them off using the same basic ideology. You drive a stake through their phone. That is their head. That is their nexus point. Cut off the phone and you might even have saved a life or lost a '90 percent social media/10 percent real life' friend.

Unless, you are a zombie

In the end, are you reading this on a phone? Are you walking? Or eating? Or in the bathroom? There is no hope.

Ehsanur Raza Ronny is a confused dad, all round car guy, model car builder and cartoonist. Currently Editor of Shift (automobiles), Bytes (technology) and Next Step (career) for The Daily Star.