5 Ways to Get Viral on Facebook
Admit it; you are secretly jealous of Facebook celebrities hogging all the likes, hearts and 'R U NYC' comments on their posts. You crave the glory of these people who have billions of followers. Well, love them or hate them, here are some helpful(!) tips to bag some of that glamour.
DISCLAIMER: The writer will not take any responsibility for making you too famous for your own good.
Get a funky name, dude.
Human beings, especially Facebook citizens, love uncommon names. Can you imagine Adrita Jhunjhuni becoming famous without her amazingly creative name? Try saying, "I am Junaid" or "I am Javed." Feels too mundane right? Just replace 'J' with an 'X', utter the sentences aloud again and feel the difference! Everyone wants to pop some spicy words in their mouths and chew them around. "Sayela Sayem", "Vai Vrathars", "Zero Alom" – I guess you can figure out what they all have in common. Head straight to the settings menu right now and change your name to ḺṌṄḘḸẎ GḯṜḺ ẌḀṘḭṄḀ or something.
Take selfies – lots of them.
Facebook celebrities and selfies are like synonymous words now. It does not matter whether you consider yourself attractive or not. What matters is your guts to bravely venture into people's newsfeeds every day. Your obtrusive head must pop out of everyone's smartphones, tabs, and laptops. But hey, boring selfies will not work. Take selfies in the wildest of places – inside your washroom, or outside near some trash bins. Mix and match. Click selfies in the weirdest of poses – imitate monkeys or try outdated pouty faces. Dog filters never go out of style and neither do those stupid honey bees. If you ever run out of ideas, Snapchat will be glad to help you out. Thank you, technology!
Post controversial statuses
Never underestimate the power of good old statuses. This is how the earliest Facebook civilisations were forged. Try offending a particular group of people – perhaps you won't be getting many likes, but people will share your posts, with some beautiful slang words dedicated to you. But hey, getting famous requires sacrifice. Uploading late night nihilistic statuses using Avro, is currently one of the most trending ways to gain fame. Make the world believe you actually care about the Sundarbans, with 5000-characters-long conspiracy theories. Whine about the ninety-five ways Sokhina broke your heart while adding masala to your stories or jot out exciting theories on how the world is actually flat. You can also try writing about extremely controversial topics like philosophical doctrines, but remember, with great powerful statuses, come grave dangers.
Make memes – or even better, become a meme
Making memes is an art. If you think memes are not cool, get out of this article right now, man. This isn't everyone's cup of tea. Only a few chosen ones can create these original Facebook Jhal Muri. Want to try making them? Well I can't help you out, because if I knew how to, I wouldn't be writing this article right now. You can't choose the meme life, it chooses you. Once you are enlightened by this talent, you have to let go of everything in this world and become a 21st century Saint. Be one with the meme. Remember to get rid of all your greed, young one. If you are truly dedicated, someday you will get paid in useless fame and other pointless yet lucrative worldly goodies.
Go live. Facebook Live.
Facebook Live is THE best thing after the invention of the wheel. Unleash yourself onto the unsuspecting souls peering into the screens of their devices. They want the entertainment – they want something to spice up their miserable lives. Perhaps you may try rapping your heart out like the legendary Ali V-Star, or indulge in gulping down unlimited burgers in your local food joint – all in real time. You never danced your entire life? Go to Facebook Live right now and give everyone's eyes a treat. Maybe your eerily perfect skill of picking nose hair could make you an instant sensation. Try using provocative words like "huge", "massive" and "panda". You know, you can always intentionally mispronounce words to ignite the hidden OCD among the public. If you are into cooking or if you are a make-up aficionado, well, THIS is the most convenient way to become popular right now. Make achar out of shemai and stun everyone. Doll up your face with all the flour in the world and get to work. The possibilities are endless.
Jawad is your next-door wizard who needs you to get him his wand. A bamboo stick will work too. Shout at him on facebook.com/jawad.muhtasim or jawad.mmjr@gmail.com