A guide to getting fired

Another 7 AM morning marks the beginning of the endless nightmare that your life has become. You slowly drag your hands across your face, tired of this cycle of exhaustion and self-hate.

After countless days of effort, you've failed to get yourself fired; ironically though, you got yourself a promotion in the process.

Those of you out there in a similar situation — worry no more. Today we'll be talking about some of the foolproof methods that will ensure you get fired by the end of week, and are in the embrace of sweet unemployment once again.

This list goes out to all of you who have grown up dreaming of the day you get fired from your first, second, or whichever job you're currently on.

BE A JERK

This is much easier said than done. A lot of you may be confused by what are the qualities necessary in order for you to be considered a jerk. Well, rest easy, because I have the answers for you. Co-workers kept labelled lunches in the fridge? Eat them. Boss hung a picture of his family on the wall? Break it. Berate everyone's achievements no matter how big or sentimental they maybe. The path to being a jerk is not an easy one, and that's why this might be one of the harder steps on the list.

PERSONAL SPACE IS A MYTH

Ever heard a moderator in a meeting specify how it's important to respect and stay out of your co-worker's personal space? Well it's time to do the opposite. Intrude on their privacy, give them no room to breathe. Enter office rooms without knocking. Browse through personal items that your co-workers leave in their drawers. Use the urinal right next to the one your boss is using, even though there's five other vacant ones in between. It takes a true maestro to adapt to such rigorous work ethic, but if you're passionate enough about your end goal, you'll make it.

NOTE: At no point should your behaviour border on sexual harassment. The end goal is to get fired, not become a monster in the process.

DISRESPECTING AUTHORITY

Acting like you're the boss, mostly in the presence of your actual bosses should accelerate the process of getting fired. Refuse to co-operate with your higher-ups, instead give them instructions and question their decisions. The idea is to make them feel that you think they're stupid. A few meetings of such behaviour should leave your boss at the end of his wits, with the inevitable result being you getting laid off. You have to commit to this step very hard in order for it to yield proper results, I'd suggest adding layer upon layer of condescending tone to your speech.

While getting fired may not be as easy as getting hired, I believe (as should you) that nothing is impossible. You will find yourself exhausted after a day of slacking off and being a jerk to everyone, but in the end it will be worth it. So, get out there, because this list gives you the chance to break free from the chains of financial security and jump into the ocean of unemployment. Here's to getting the boot.

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