Should Parents Apologise?
Last week, when my mother ruined the biriyani I was so enthusiastically trying to cook by pouring water all over it, she didn't apologise. Instead, she made up a story about how I told her I was cooking some other dish–mind you, I hadn't even asked her to help me cook. Over the course of my 19 years of existence, I cannot remember one time when my parents had apologised for doing something wrong, whether the issue was a big one (like making me miss an important internship opportunity because they wanted to go on vacation) or a small one (like my mother ruining my biriyani).
On the one instance I told my dad he should apologise to me for shouting at me (because his co-worker messed up a work report) to vent his anger, he told me, "I'm the adult, I know better and adults don't need to apologise to children."
Sure, he's an adult, but does that make him immune to mistakes? After all, we're all equally human and capable of error. Parent's often think that apologising will make them a lesser human being in the eyes of the child, when in reality, it will only help the child realise that their parents are capable of differentiating right from wrong, no matter the situation. The more we normalise the act of apologising, the easier it will become over the years.
While parents look at their mistakes and outbursts as something so irrelevant and small that they forget about it the next day, the child often remembers it as a pivotal incident that carries a lot of trauma and leaves them emotionally vulnerable in the future. This is especially applicable in our younger years when we aren't capable of understanding a parent's mistake, so we end up blaming ourselves and grow up with the burden of having done something wrong. Instead of making excuses, parents should acknowledge their mistake, explain themselves and make it clear to their children that they accept it and will try to do better in the future, just like children are often expected to do. This helps the child feel like they are an important figure in their family and portrays to them that their parents aren't perfect beings who can do no wrong. They understand that their feelings of sadness (and sometimes anger) are valid.
Children learn by example, and by taking responsibility and owning up to their mistakes, parents can teach their children the importance of owning up to theirs in the future. Whether it's a small fight on the playground over a toy or one at the workplace, learning to apologise without feeling small or embarrassed is an important trait people should have. More importantly, teaching children to apologise will instill in them the ability to hold themselves and others accountable when they do something wrong, even if the person apologising is in a position of power. While I'm no parent, I understand that it's a tough job, but accepting that you're capable of making mistakes can go a long way in making this job so much easier and building a deep, healthy relationship with your child.
Come to think of it, I've never heard my parents say congratulations when I accomplished something good either, but that's a story for another day.