Terrible Ways to Start a Conversation
Upon reading the title, if your immediate thought is "But I don't want to start a conversation anyway!" or something along that line, just know that you have to. This fact is simply another lemon life has given you and you must use it.
Now, conversations are scarily similar to a nuclear reactor: they're either extremely useful, or it's going to blow up violently in your face. Every person you talk to is different. What might not offend someone might offend someone else. Therefore, it's imperative to choose the right phrases and words to start it, perhaps even the right actions like a handshake or something. It won't be possible to cover EVERYTHING, however, so I'll be listing a couple of common bad ways to start a conversation.
"HOW ARE YOUR STUDIES GOING?"
This is by far one of the worst ways to start a conversation. Thankfully, the level of damage you incur depends on which grade the respondent(s) currently studies in. The younger (and nerdier-looking) the student, the less damage you will be dealing with.
Once this question is asked, most people immediately go bonkers and common reactions include bursting into tears out of strain or having an extremely wide smile on their face because they've completely lost their grip on reality. And all that is just one person. Ask the same question to a group of people and you might get an impromptu mental asylum or World War III.
"WHAT'S UP?"
Yeah, I know, it seems pretty natural, but do hear me out, please.
"The sky/the ceiling/anything that might literally be physically above them." - Need I say anything more about this one? If you're going to ask this question, you might as well bring along a body bag too and find a nearby river.
*PUN INTENDED*
A very tempting thing, true, but you must be well aware that this particular method is a double-edged sword. There are two ways to execute this well:
a. A genuinely good pun that'll get you a pat on the back before they immediately walk off because they don't like puns in general, or
b. Handing them a really bad pun on a piece of paper. This will incapacitate them, thus preventing them from walking away since they'll be too busy laughing at how tear-able it was.
Unfortunately, if you fail at either of these, you will be told to "get out". And God forbid that happens if you happen to be working at the International Space Station or something.
"HI."
Yes, I'm aware I'm possibly making you feel like your entire life until this point has been a lie, but this is only applicable in a certain situation. Under any circumstances, do not say hi to a cop with a weird expression on your face.
"DO YOU LIKE *INSERT NAME OF A BOOK/MOVIE/TV SERIES*?"
Now this could actually work in your favour, because finding similar interests often leads to a good conversation (depending on how well known the subject at hand is). If all goes well, you will have fun (or at least be able to tolerate someone). On the other hand, if you start such a conversation with a fanatic, well, let's just say that if someone were to post a photo of you on Facebook and caption it "1 Like = 1 prayer", even a million likes probably won't save you (not that they ever save anyone anyway).
Oh, and one more thing: never ask if they like Game of Thrones. Never.
"HOW ARE YOU?/YOU OKAY?"
"Fine/Yeah." - End of conversation. Get another body bag.
Now, you must obviously be thinking, "Okay, none of those were actually bad ways to start a conversation." However, you must also realise that my wisdom is clearly transcendental.
In any case, I have given you what I consider to be the worst ways out of the millions of bad ways to start a conversation. There are, however, many more bad ways (not as bad as the ones I listed earlier) such as throwing a Pokéball at them, calling them your sister in New York City because "Appi, nyc lagca", assuming their gender, telling them you're a vegan, telling them you're John Cena (because they'll wonder where the heck that voice came from) and wearing a sheep costume. Especially the sheep costume - it's a baaaaad idea. Always remember: sticks and stones will break your bones but words will cause people to grab said sticks and stones and beat the **** out of you.
Real talk: if you ever feel like you actually started a conversation badly, just know that my best friend and I started talking to a girl by telling her she has lice in her hair. In our defense, she really did have something moving around in her hair.
Rasheed Khan is a hug monster making good music but terrible puns and jokes where he's probably the only one laughing. Ask him how to pronounce his name at aarcvard@gmail.com