Results day shenanigans
If you've ever taken part in extreme sports, or any other nerve-wracking activities, you'll know that there is absolutely nothing that makes your heart beat faster than the day your O/A Level results are released. While on the one hand, there are those that sit with the expectations of straight A's, there are others that barely have hopes for a C. You would think after colonisation and everything, the British would leave us alone, but then they had to go and introduce O/A Levels.
You have to admit though, no matter how many nightmares Edexcel and Cambridge have caused, result day does have a certain sense of humour attached to it when it comes to Bangalis. For Edexcel IAL students, their results come out on a day when the whole nation mourns, and for Cambridge, on a day when most students celebrate Eid-Ul-Adha. Needless to say, students all over the country had been preparing to be mourned this year. So whether you have been cowering in fear or excited about your results, this provides the full guide on how to deal with result day.
AUNTY, RESULTS DON'T MATTER
Whether it's the one next door or one of your relatives, we all know an aunty who bursts right through the doors on results day to announce her child's astounding results and proceeds to ask for yours to compare. You know, the ones that only bother to contact you once a year when it's time for results to come out. Since "it's personal" is not an answer that our aunties are content with, the correct way to make sure the aunty never bothers you is to take the religious stance and remind her that it's what we do for the afterlife that matters. "Results? What results? Aunty, these are all temporary!" They'll be too dumbfounded by your extensive knowledge to respond. Use their momentary shock to swiftly make your exit.
DON'T OPEN THEM
In 2019, we're keeping an open mind, and like all the memes say, you can't really fail if you've never actually seen your results, right? So when your mother asks for your results, some appropriate responses would be, "Ammu, my ResultsPlus account isn't working," or "the school is closed for Eid so I don't know what I got!" Whatever it is, avoid looking at your results at all costs. I'm serious. Don't do it. What's the worst that could happen?
DON'T ASK FOR OTHER PEOPLES' RESULTS
I'm a nosy person, but even I know that asking for others' results is a boundary you shouldn't be crossing, unless you're close friends. If it's good, they'll tell you themselves, but don't make other people feel bad by asking them how they did – it's not nice.
ABOVE ALL, STAY POSITIVE
Don't let a series of grades, or any aunty tell you that your grades define who you are. Take it from someone who knows that it's never too late to turn your life around. You can turn the grades you've received into A's in the future. Look at the person staring at you in the mirror and treasure them. Give yourself a break - you've done your best. If that wasn't enough, you can do more next time. Cherish it. Good luck!
Fariha is currently biting her nails out of anxiety, waiting for her A-Level results. Send her memes about colonialism at fariha.safa@gmail.com to calm her nerves.