Escape from MopeyLand

There are people out there who, with the passage of time, are left with as much patience towards their mopey friends as feminists have towards Donald Trump. If you happen to be one of those unfortunate souls, this article is meant for you.

UNFOLLOW MOPEY
Now you need to be very careful in the way you deal with Mopey, for his heart is "as delicate a dewdrop on a blade of grass." That right there is an example of the type of statuses that probably flood your newsfeed every five minutes, along with others like, "Why does the sun rise if it's bound to set?" and are probably causing extensive damage to your brain. But fret not!  Superheroes do not always come in neon leggings and fancy masks. They sometimes exist among us in the form of an 'unfollow' button.  If you think Mopey is incapable of coping with the loss of your precious 'like' in his statuses, pay his profile a visit once in a while but make sure you get a CT-scan done right afterwards.

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK TO MOPEY
Why, oh why, would you remind Mopey of the time Zayn Malik left One Direction? See, these are the little things that could give you Alzheimer's in the long run so you have to carefully filter the things that come out of your mouth at least five times before they reach his ears. You also need to leave him out of every situation that could potentially intensify his mopeyness. Storm out of restaurants, food courts and shopping malls when they play a Lana Del Rey song. Make sure Mopey never makes it to the aisles where they keep the Chetan Bhagat books in the bookstores.  Start laughing hysterically in order to block out intense conversations about life and death between people around you. The damage control you'll be doing to yourself and also to Mopey will leave you in awe.

CALL AN INTERVENTION
A real one. Your guest list should include people of higher authority, especially those who are powerful enough to invade through The Great Walls of Mopeyland and seek out the remnants of the person that he was before his first heartbreak.  Assure him that this abyss of melancholy that he has been falling through since what seems like the beginning of time actually has an end that will come sooner than Gopi Bahu dies. Make sure your tone has the right amount of sympathy and zeal in it, and if you're running out of encouraging things to say, you can always take help from Goodreads or BrainyQuote. 

FIND MOPEY NEW FRIENDS
Convince Mopey that the world outside is brimming with people whose lives would take a 180 degree turn for the good as soon as he extends a hand of friendship towards them. Tell him he can do so much better than stick around with the hapless pessimist that is you for eternity. Have Mopey open multiple accounts on different social media sites except Tumblr (Geez, do I even have to tell you that?) using an exciting variety of pseudonyms but make sure none of the fake names include stuff like 'Painkiller Dose.' The consequences of such names will only lead Mopey to crawl back into your 'protective' cocoon that you yourself have been trying to destroy since day one. You don't want that. Let him tag along with you to parties and hangouts and introduce him to people you've held a grudge on for a long time but never came up with a masterplan to get back at them. THIS is your masterplan.