The Ugly Truth about Studying Abroad

Dear foreign degree aspirant, for you to be eligible to study at a prestigious university, you need to know the tricks of the trade. The question I pose to you is of utmost importance, it will prove whether you are worthy of that competitive scholarship. What is the best invention in the world? Is it those websites that you delete from your browser history? (I mean like the YouTube link to Nickelback's So Far Away. What websites were you thinking of?) Is your answer, the selfie stick? 

Even though the selfie stick is indubitably a close second, I must tell you that the real best invention has been with you all along, right near your feet. The glorious bodna. 

Some call it the lota, others call it God's gift to mankind besides Channing Tatum. What other contraption lets you bask in the exquisiteness of being squeaky clean? It exorcises the demons in you, the evils that build over the day, and leaves you feeling light and fresh. It's anuseccity. I meant, a necessity. Damn autocorrect. 

Well, if you are studying abroad in the West, get ready to bid farewell to this magnificent innovation, to switch to its uglier, inferior sibling: the toilet paper. 

*Cringe*
*Hugs bodna*

This is where the real culture shock is. An utterly devastating experience when you realise how much you miss it's rounded, voluptuous mid-section. It's smooth yet hard sprout. Some say that Steve Job's iPhone design was actually inspired by a crazy night which ended up in a lonely public restroom in Bangladesh, rather than some mediocre calligraphy class. Those people may or may not be lying to prove a point. Moving on.

There are ways however that you can still experience the ecstasy involved in using the bodna, and still pursue that foreign degree. Like Shia Lebouff says: "Just do it." Bring your bodna with you to college. If the airport security asks, "What in tarnation is that thing?" look positively disgusted with their ignorance about your culture. Declare that it is a statue that signifies fertility and growth in greater Bengal. And that you hope to sue for xenophobic discrimination. Walk away through the metal detectors bogol-daba-ing (yeah it's a word) the bodna with you. 

In college, keep playing the Bengali culture card. Put it in the shared bathrooms right on the shelf. Put some flowers in it and call it a special vase which stimulates metabolism and the beard growth hormone. Disclaimer: that's not a thing. But don't worry, undergrads are pretty gullible. Use as necessary. Better yet, bring a bodna for all your friends. Tell them that it's a special mug that you use to take baths. The sprout makes an excellent pouring mechanism. The market will be flooded with Hello Kitty and Pokemon bodna. Imagine a Charmander bodna where the sprout doubles as a candle holder. If you happen to take my advice and become a bodna business tycoon, be sure to pay me royalties. Possibly in Charmander bodna.

If the above method fails, you have one last option. Keep it hidden in your room and bring it with you to the bathroom. You can do it late at night to avoid people in the dorm hallways. If nature calls during peak hours, you need to improvise. If someone in the hall asks you why you're carrying that thing to the bathroom, tell them that it's your water bottle. To prevent awkwardness from ensuing, quickly drink from the bodna. Insist that your friend drinks from it too. They will politely decline and ignore you for the rest of your walk to the bathroom, and maybe even the whole semester. Problem solved.

My friend who goes to college in the U.S. once declared, "Americans have sent a man to the moon, given us Scarlett Johansson, and invented the Hershey's Cookies and Crème chocolate bar. And then they fail to clean where the sun doesn't shine."

Apply water from a bodna to the burnt area.

Rasim Alam needs a short blurb about himself that's funny, charming, and faintly hints at his misunderstood artistic side. Send him suggestions at MD.Rasim@tufts.edu